My best friend's husband came over tonight, he's coming over once a week to come sit down and talk with the family about religious views, heaven, where we go after we die, what happens, etc. My dad's thoughts were that as a family, we need to get more spiritually involved. He's mentioned that he hates that for many years (pretty much my whole entire life) that we've never done this... and it had to take my mom being terminally ill to sit down as a family and do this together. It's a really good idea... and being that we're doing this at home, and not just going to church/youth group is a great advantage. Conversations/topics are arranged on what's going on with us specifically, instead of sitting through church to hear a topic that may not be relevant to us at this specific time. We're not sure how much more time we have together as an entire family, so sitting down and discussing things, learning things as a family, opening our hearts to God together... can only bring a positive outlook on life, and on our family, and our relationships with God.
Maybe because I'm super overwhelmed with life itself right now... not knowing where my path is leading, normally having a planned life (or I'd like to think so) and not having a plan right now.. is driving me insane. When life throws curve balls, or should I say, when God throws curve balls... I get emotional. I'm an emotional person, what can I say. LOL The beginning of the year, I had to learn to stop trying to control EVERYTHING, and trust in Him. I had a couple friends, sending me stories/passages that helped me... But as I sit here, I realize I'm caught off guard again... which makes me uneasy, stressed and very emotional.
I've told a few people this last week or two, that I feel like I'm sleeping.. in a nightmare, just waiting to wake up. Part of me is thinking... this isn't the life that I ordered. But then, who does? For those who have kept up with my blogging, essentially since the beginning of the year with my previous blog; for those who just read my blog and guessed/assumed what I was going through, or those who know me personally, my the issues I was faced with... you should have been able to tell that I was going through a hard time - just me, personally. I expressed how I have control issues, and that I'm slowly learning to let things go, and let God do His work. You've probably heard me say "everything happens for a reason", and that I trust in God for His reasonings of doing what's been done... and that I'm sitting back and trusting God and having faith that He has a plan for me.
Well tonight, after hearing my father pray for all of us for the first time.. I broke down in tears. During his prayer, he prayed for my Mom to fight through this, for her strength.. for Melissa to understand the reasoning of what's going on... and then he started praying for me to find God and to be open enough to build a relationship with Him... I broke down, quietly in my little corner on the couch. I can't tell you exactly why.. it could be 1) Here I thought I had a relationship with God, and now I'm questioning it. 2) That maybe my Dad doesn't know me as well as I thought he did, or 3) Maybe I'm just not open enough with my parents in some aspects of my life, for them to not know.. for them to not know I pray almost everyday for my family (for Mom for the most part), that I pray for Him to help me find my way, that I talk to Him and tell Him that I have faith in Him, to help me get through the struggles that I've been personally faced with, the last couple years especially.
[Learning that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (which she fought strong for over a year), then experiencing my first REAL heartbreak, which then lead to questioning relationships in my life, questioning myself, my career, my life, my future.. and then just recently being told that my mom has a specific amount of time left... I've looked up to God through everything.] I sort of wonder if my Dad would still think I didn't have a relationship with God, if he knew me better... like if he read my previous blogs. I'm not one to openly speak about what I prayed about the night before, or how I cry/talk to Him when I'm having a bad night. But I tend to open up and have no barriers when I blog, especially the beginning of the year.. when I felt more lost and vulnerable.
So I sit here, confused. Wondering if me questioning my relationship with God, is proof in itself that I really don't have one, and I just think that I do. I've never been one to stand up in the middle of church, or draw any attention to myself when asked 'for those who haven't accept God, and want to accept God, please stand, or please come to the front, or even please raise your hand'. I don't consider myself an uber religious person... I don't attend church on a weekly basis, or a monthly basis. But I do believe in Him, and believe that He hears me, and believe that I can rely and trust in Him to guide me and my life where He intends me to go. But, is that good enough?
I've read this post over and over again, in my head I'm making sense, but my head is a little foggy, meaning this post can be a little foggy. With the million emotions I've been feeling the last week or so, coming to terms with my mom's health, and then also dealing with daily life situations/decisions.. I've told a few people that I'm a lost confused little mess. I have my days where I get emotional, okay.. that's almost every day, but still... my family is whats keeping me strong. I have to be strong for them. Being the oldest of 4 kids, I can't lose it... for their sake. I can tell you, from what I was going through the beginning of the year... is completely different; of course being that it's two completely different situations... but I was able to be weak, break down, be selfish with my time, lock myself in my room and have my moments. But this time... this time is different. I have to be strong, for my brother and sisters, for my mom and dad.. I can't be selfish, cause EVERYONE is involved. Instead of locking myself in my room, there are times and will be times that my room is the "safety net" for my siblings. Which is hard at times, being the "strong one". And there are times that I start questioning my strength...
But at those times I start questioning, I pray to God that he will help me and give me the strength I need. Also hearing in my head, thinking back to a conversation that REALLY helped (I had the day we heard about my mom) with someone who has influenced my life in more ways than one... he said, "You are strong. You can get through this. You're my rock, you're your family's rock. You can be strong enough for all of them, you always are... you always have been. You won't lose your way." I've never been one who depended on people, who needed affirmation of how people felt/thought about me... but I can't express how much that conversation meant to me, how badly I needed to hear that...
Then I look at my wrist and think... it has to be true! I believe in myself that I have the strength, I just get lost sometimes for a bit... but I find my way back, eventually.
(Sorry this post is all over the place, I just felt like typing...) ;)
