Change

I once thought that I had it all.   I had the perfect family.. though crazy at times, and we had our ups and downs... I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I had the most amazing friends (though I had different sets of them), I had the ones to confide in, the ones who I can run to for anything, the ones to go out and party with, the ones that would sit here and eat a tub of icecream with me when I was upset,  the ones that could make me laugh at any given moment, or the ones that would just sit down with you while you drink a bottle of wine by yourself and tell you everythings gonna be okay.  I had found a love, a love that was worth the ups and downs, though it wasn't easy.. the love and the friendship was worth any battle.  I had a plan, a career in mind that I was working towards.  I had a sense of who I was, what I wanted.

And now I feel like it's all gone... for the most part.

My perfect family is now just my family, because how can it be perfect without my mom.  My amazing friends, are still amazing people... some of us have gone our separate ways, which has been decided that its for the best.  We each have our own lives, our own families, our own priorities... so even though a small handful of them are still a major part of my life, it's not what I'm used to.  My heart.. I believe it deserves to be loved as much as it loves... my heart wants more than what it's been given.  My plan for my life is no longer in effect due to the fact of not knowing what I want to do with myself.  What I want, who I am... I'm now trying to figure that out... AGAIN.

What have I found through all this?  I've found God... so as much as I cry, as much as I'm lost, confused, and numb.  I know I have Him by my side.  I know I have an amazing support system, my family & extended family.  I know I have a good handful of friends, who God has chosen to stand by my side through the bazillion emotional ups and downs I have been faced with, which I thank Him everyday for.  I know I have been blessed with many talents, so I have the option to choose which to perfect and try to make a career out of.  I have no restrictions, I'm open to change.. new relationships/friendships, new career choice, new life.  As much as it all scares me, I have no other choice. 

What once was, has come and gone.  I feel the chapter has ended.  And a new one has begun.  Scary yet exciting, sad yet happy.  Can you tell I'm having mixed emotions?

I posted today on Facebook, that I keep being told that I'm such a strong person, and that I beg to differ. 
My aunt then responded, "If you are able to hear that you are strong and give it thought, you must be strong.  Because only the weak throw in the towel and bury their heads.  Someday you will be on the other side of every situation you face and see how you got through it and finally see what everyone else sees in you."

People ask me how I do it, how I stay so strong, and honestly.. I don't know.  I'm numb.  I feel that I'm breaking, wishing to go back to what once was, wanting to go back to when I felt I was the happiest.   But deep down I know I won't benefit from it, and it obviously doesn't work that way.  It feels like every morning I wake up, and paste a smile on my face and act like everything's okay.  There are a few people in my life that when I talk to, or hang around... that I completely feel myself again, I forget all the crap I'm going through, all the craziness.  I need to find more people like that.

So, in reality.  How am I doing? Crappy.  But I'm trying so hard to look at the positive side of things...

I lost my mom, I found God.
I lost some friends, I'm finding new ones.
I lost a love, I'll find one better.
I thought I had a plan, God is directing me to a different one.
I had a career in mind, maybe that's what I'm not meant to do.

I keep telling myself the same thing I've told many friends over the past few years...

Everything happens for a reason.