"My world is changing, I'm rearranging... does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you Christmas? Do you remember? The one you used to know....
I'm not the same one, see what the time's done... is that why you have, let me go?"
So I cry every time I hear this song. As much as I'd like to be in the Christmas spirit, I can't lie and say that I am. I feel like boycotting Christmas. I try to listen to Christmas music, I've tried to make my Christmas gifts, I've tried to enjoy everything that comes along with the holidays.. and it's really hard. Christmas was my Mom's holiday. Well... every holiday was my Mom's holiday. She always went all out for everything. But, I'm dreading the holiday traditions. Absolutely dreading it. We normally have our tree by now, but with my Dad out of town working.. it's put a damper on getting the tree (definitely NOT complaining). Decorating the house was never really a tradition that our ENTIRE family was involved in together... it was actually my Mom and Melissa's thing. But picking out the tree, and decorating it. Has been a tradition as long as I can remember. I don't think any of us have EVER missed a year. This is our first Christmas without my mom... and also my brother (who was deployed to Japan 2 weeks ago, and won't be returning until June or July). This is also the first Christmas without my newly married sister in the house (they are coming over in the morning, but they're still not going to be here like usual). There is so much change, so much that is different. It's really hard to cope with it. The hard part is trying to stay positive and keep up the tradition and be strong for Melissa (my youngest sister). I've been able to voice it out loud in front of her that I'm dreading getting/decorating a tree... but as I sit here right now, in an empty house.. I feel like I can finally let out all the tears and have my hour of weakness before I have to go pick her up from practice. It is unbelievably hard waking up every morning and coming downstairs to see the house decorated with all of her holiday signs that she painted, or all of her figurines that she ALWAYS put out EVERY year. If this is hard... I really don't want to have a tree (How sad is that? That I don't want a Christmas tree? Can't we just pile all the presents on one of the couches?) Our tradition of picking out a tree ALWAYS consisted of all of us kids, yelling out "FLOCK YOU", "FLOCK THIS," "THIS IS A FLOCKING GREAT TREE"... anywhere we can stick the word "flock" and make it sound like an inappropriate word.. we would. And this always consisted of Dad laughing at us, and my mom yelling and shushing us, and us laughing. As much as she pretended to be mad, embarrassed, or whatever it may have been... we would always catch her laughing and smiling. Then decorating the tree... I sort of feel guilty here because the last year or two I really didn't cooperate much.. although I sat and watched and was still present... I didn't help really. I used the excuse that my ornaments were packed up in my "apartment" boxes (because I had anticipated being out the house the last 2 years). Every year, Mom would sit in her chair.. we would bring her the 3 or 4 tubs of ornaments (after Robby & Dad strung the lights on the tree).. she'd give us our boxes that included our own individual ornaments we had received over the years.. and after we hung those up... one by one she handed us hers and my Dads ornaments that she wanted on the tree. Another reason why I'm dreading this... she wont be there lecturing me on how I should decorate the tree, she won't be there handing everyone the ornaments, she won't be there to witness our annual sibling tree photo montage. It's honestly heart-breaking just thinking about it. So as I sit here, shaking my head... I know it's something that we're going to do. I'm shaking my head thinking I'm not strong enough for this... but I know I have to be. I'm shaking my head knowing I'm going to be an emotional wreck and I can't come off as the older stronger sister. And I'm shaking my head knowing that my mom wouldn't want me dreading our normal traditions.
Heart-breaking.
So this song, I can't say that the whole song applies to me. But the lyrics I posted above were the ones that hit home. My world is changing (in many other aspects than family). And I'm rearranging (trying to cope with the loss of my mother, trying to cope not having my brother around cause he's on deployment, etc.)... but unfortunately, it changes Christmas... this year and all that follows. We're definitely going to keep up the old traditions, but new traditions are going to take place as well. And it's just something that we're all going to have to get used to, no matter how hard it may be. It's hard to get in the Christmas spirit. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing anything Christmasy. I had an hour to wrap Christmas presents or make Christmas gifts.. and instead I'm sitting here venting (which I probably needed), or I'm just procrastinating. We'll never know.
Not to sound like a broken record, but my advice to all my readers... live your life to the fullest. Don't skip a beat. Enjoy your holiday traditions. You will never know what God has in store for you or your family - embrace it!
Where are you Christmas? Do you remember? The one you used to know....
I'm not the same one, see what the time's done... is that why you have, let me go?"
So I cry every time I hear this song. As much as I'd like to be in the Christmas spirit, I can't lie and say that I am. I feel like boycotting Christmas. I try to listen to Christmas music, I've tried to make my Christmas gifts, I've tried to enjoy everything that comes along with the holidays.. and it's really hard. Christmas was my Mom's holiday. Well... every holiday was my Mom's holiday. She always went all out for everything. But, I'm dreading the holiday traditions. Absolutely dreading it. We normally have our tree by now, but with my Dad out of town working.. it's put a damper on getting the tree (definitely NOT complaining). Decorating the house was never really a tradition that our ENTIRE family was involved in together... it was actually my Mom and Melissa's thing. But picking out the tree, and decorating it. Has been a tradition as long as I can remember. I don't think any of us have EVER missed a year. This is our first Christmas without my mom... and also my brother (who was deployed to Japan 2 weeks ago, and won't be returning until June or July). This is also the first Christmas without my newly married sister in the house (they are coming over in the morning, but they're still not going to be here like usual). There is so much change, so much that is different. It's really hard to cope with it. The hard part is trying to stay positive and keep up the tradition and be strong for Melissa (my youngest sister). I've been able to voice it out loud in front of her that I'm dreading getting/decorating a tree... but as I sit here right now, in an empty house.. I feel like I can finally let out all the tears and have my hour of weakness before I have to go pick her up from practice. It is unbelievably hard waking up every morning and coming downstairs to see the house decorated with all of her holiday signs that she painted, or all of her figurines that she ALWAYS put out EVERY year. If this is hard... I really don't want to have a tree (How sad is that? That I don't want a Christmas tree? Can't we just pile all the presents on one of the couches?) Our tradition of picking out a tree ALWAYS consisted of all of us kids, yelling out "FLOCK YOU", "FLOCK THIS," "THIS IS A FLOCKING GREAT TREE"... anywhere we can stick the word "flock" and make it sound like an inappropriate word.. we would. And this always consisted of Dad laughing at us, and my mom yelling and shushing us, and us laughing. As much as she pretended to be mad, embarrassed, or whatever it may have been... we would always catch her laughing and smiling. Then decorating the tree... I sort of feel guilty here because the last year or two I really didn't cooperate much.. although I sat and watched and was still present... I didn't help really. I used the excuse that my ornaments were packed up in my "apartment" boxes (because I had anticipated being out the house the last 2 years). Every year, Mom would sit in her chair.. we would bring her the 3 or 4 tubs of ornaments (after Robby & Dad strung the lights on the tree).. she'd give us our boxes that included our own individual ornaments we had received over the years.. and after we hung those up... one by one she handed us hers and my Dads ornaments that she wanted on the tree. Another reason why I'm dreading this... she wont be there lecturing me on how I should decorate the tree, she won't be there handing everyone the ornaments, she won't be there to witness our annual sibling tree photo montage. It's honestly heart-breaking just thinking about it. So as I sit here, shaking my head... I know it's something that we're going to do. I'm shaking my head thinking I'm not strong enough for this... but I know I have to be. I'm shaking my head knowing I'm going to be an emotional wreck and I can't come off as the older stronger sister. And I'm shaking my head knowing that my mom wouldn't want me dreading our normal traditions.
Heart-breaking.
So this song, I can't say that the whole song applies to me. But the lyrics I posted above were the ones that hit home. My world is changing (in many other aspects than family). And I'm rearranging (trying to cope with the loss of my mother, trying to cope not having my brother around cause he's on deployment, etc.)... but unfortunately, it changes Christmas... this year and all that follows. We're definitely going to keep up the old traditions, but new traditions are going to take place as well. And it's just something that we're all going to have to get used to, no matter how hard it may be. It's hard to get in the Christmas spirit. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing anything Christmasy. I had an hour to wrap Christmas presents or make Christmas gifts.. and instead I'm sitting here venting (which I probably needed), or I'm just procrastinating. We'll never know.
Not to sound like a broken record, but my advice to all my readers... live your life to the fullest. Don't skip a beat. Enjoy your holiday traditions. You will never know what God has in store for you or your family - embrace it!
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