Spare me what you think, & tell me a lie.



Live, Love, Laugh

I'm laying on my bed after cleaning up my room, catching up with an old friend that I haven't talked to or seen in FOREVER, now blasting my music...  I finally sit and chill for the first time today...and am thankful to sit and breathe.  Then I start considering my topic for today's blog.  What am I thankful for.. what should I write about?  I can be superficial and be thankful my nail lady was able to squeeze me in and fix a broken nail, I can be materialistic and be thankful for my phone or my car.  But in reality, none of this stuff matters.  My phone, my car, my computer, my shoes, my clothes, my handbags, all the money in the world... could be gone, taken away - and I'd still be thankful.  I think I've wrote about this before, but I can't stress it enough. 

There are no amount of words to express how thankful I am for LIFE!!

(Quick thought: a quote from my favorite movie came in mind right now - "You have more than enough personalities to keep me completely occupied!" - How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days
I know I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.  But I didn't want to give any of you the impression that I'm depressed and hating life.  Though I'm lost and confused most of the time, I'm still me.  I know this is my life, and God has already planned it out.  I'm just along for the ride.  But you will notice my good and bad days through my writing - I think.  I know I can tell. That quote just stuck out cause I can imagine you (my readers) thinking, "oh my, she's gone of the loony bin.. first shes complaining about her life, and now she's thankful for it" LOL)

Life.  Be thankful for it.  It can be taken away from you in minutes, months, years...whatever your destiny may be.  Live your life to the fullest.  Be thankful your alive to see your parents grow old together, or your children grow up.  Be thankful you can hug the people who you love.  Be thankful your alive to experience love, laughter, sadness, etc.  Be thankful your alive to see the sun, the rain.  Be thankful that you can see, taste, hear, smell... be thankful for every single breath you take.  NEVER take it for granted.  Don't ever forget to say those three simple words to the people who you love the most.

My mother was always my inspiration (and still is), but she was my inspiration for tonights post.  I don't think people realize what can be taken away from them.  Part of me thinks that the last few years of my life would have been different if I would have known that my mom was going to pass away this year.  I would have told her I loved her more, I would have fought with her less, I would have listened to her more.  I'm guilty of all of these, and fortunately I'm smart enough to not let the past hurt me, or make me have any regrets.  My mother and I had an amazing relationship/friendship.  I know she knew that I loved her and that she was my best friend.  She told me she knew in one of the last conversations I had with her.

So, what it this all comes down to... point blank, love the people in your life and don't take them for granted... and while doing so.. live your life to the fullest.  Live without regrets.  The way I'm living my life to the fullest right now.. I'm getting to know God, spending more time with Him, listening to Him and trying to figure out His next move for my life. I've surrounded myself with positive, happy, non-judgemental people; people who I know I can count on 100%, people who make me smile and laugh. No regrets. I'm just living the life. Taking one day at a time, living it like it's my last. I wish you will all do the same.

SWG... Sleep, Work, Gym

I was thinking of changing my Wednesdays... to Weird Wednesdays instead of Wednesdays Whine.  Only because I hate when people whine, and I hate when I'm one of those whiny people.  I'm trying to change my outlook on life... trying to look at everything with a positive outlook, make a difficult/sucky situation into a positive.  As hard as it may be.. I'm trying.

-BUT-

I'm going to whine today.  I'm exhausted.  I'm sleeping very well lately, so well.. that it puts me into an acomma, and it's very hard for me to wake-up... I'm sleeping so hard that my body aches cause I don't move during the middle of the night.  But am I exhausted from too much sleep, or not enough? Tricky question, right?  So aside from sleeping... Work.  I've been complaining for the last month or so, because half my time that I normally spend in my office is being spent as a cashier.  I stopped being a cashier like 4 years ago... so I was becoming a little overwhelmed trying to handle my office work on top of the "cashier" duties.  (It's actually time wasted sitting up at the front counter, doing tedious tasks and taking peoples money... I'll be honest and think my time is worth more than that).  So.. Monday comes around and am asked to take on the responsibilities of future events/promotions (since I am an 'event expert').  I accept the responsibilities, and am now coordinating the marketing/advertising aspect, the food, vendors, etc for all future events.  Fortunately there is only one event/promo every other month.. but being that we're in the middle of an event this week, I'm now trying to prepare food/event info for Saturday, on top of trying to find a printer and get mailers sent out in the next week or so for Black Friday... and also trying to plan our annual Christmas party... ON TOP of my normal day-to-day stuff, AND cashiering.  Tuesday rolls around, and I'm told/asked if I can train cashiers today.  WOOOHOOOO!! This means, I am no longer going to be spending every morning dealing with customers and can go back to enjoying sitting in my chair in my warm office with my coffee not dealing with customers asking retarded questions. ;) LOL  I would have to say, the last 2 days have flown by rather quickly at work.. training 2 girls (who are being called my minions), and handling event stuff (which I obviously love.. ), and then my normal day-to-day stuff... I can say there was a lot of pausing and trying to remember what I'm doing, a lot of 'sighing' the last 2 days.  But... I think I work best when I'm busy.  I stay awake. LOL  So we'll see how this goes.

Can I also whine about the gym? I've been trying to go, and to be honest... ok.. honestly, I'm not trying to go. LOL I want to go.. but I'm so tired by the time I get home, I'd rather not be there.  I have absolutely NO motivation.  But I did stand on the scale the other day... and I'm blaming my emotional eating habits on the older generation of my family.  Moms side, or Dads side.. I don't care.  I blame them.  I haven't weighed or been to the gym since August, and.. I've totally packed on a few pounds the last few months (the month before mom passed, the month of, and the month after).  Is it wrong to blame her? Just kidding... (Dads sick humor.. sorry if that was inappropriate.)  Anywho.. motivation, is needed.  Anyone have any ideas? LOL

Inspiration

- Posted from my iPhone

It'll Be Alright

This song has been on repeat for the past week. Definitely has helped me get through a couple rough days. Just wanted to share. :)

"I can see the wait there in your eyes
I can feel the thought in your sigh
Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night
The sun will rise.


....


Although you cant see it
So hard to believe it
Sometimes you just need a little faith
There's an answer to your prayer
And I swear that there'll come a day
The sun will rise."



Change

I once thought that I had it all.   I had the perfect family.. though crazy at times, and we had our ups and downs... I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I had the most amazing friends (though I had different sets of them), I had the ones to confide in, the ones who I can run to for anything, the ones to go out and party with, the ones that would sit here and eat a tub of icecream with me when I was upset,  the ones that could make me laugh at any given moment, or the ones that would just sit down with you while you drink a bottle of wine by yourself and tell you everythings gonna be okay.  I had found a love, a love that was worth the ups and downs, though it wasn't easy.. the love and the friendship was worth any battle.  I had a plan, a career in mind that I was working towards.  I had a sense of who I was, what I wanted.

And now I feel like it's all gone... for the most part.

My perfect family is now just my family, because how can it be perfect without my mom.  My amazing friends, are still amazing people... some of us have gone our separate ways, which has been decided that its for the best.  We each have our own lives, our own families, our own priorities... so even though a small handful of them are still a major part of my life, it's not what I'm used to.  My heart.. I believe it deserves to be loved as much as it loves... my heart wants more than what it's been given.  My plan for my life is no longer in effect due to the fact of not knowing what I want to do with myself.  What I want, who I am... I'm now trying to figure that out... AGAIN.

What have I found through all this?  I've found God... so as much as I cry, as much as I'm lost, confused, and numb.  I know I have Him by my side.  I know I have an amazing support system, my family & extended family.  I know I have a good handful of friends, who God has chosen to stand by my side through the bazillion emotional ups and downs I have been faced with, which I thank Him everyday for.  I know I have been blessed with many talents, so I have the option to choose which to perfect and try to make a career out of.  I have no restrictions, I'm open to change.. new relationships/friendships, new career choice, new life.  As much as it all scares me, I have no other choice. 

What once was, has come and gone.  I feel the chapter has ended.  And a new one has begun.  Scary yet exciting, sad yet happy.  Can you tell I'm having mixed emotions?

I posted today on Facebook, that I keep being told that I'm such a strong person, and that I beg to differ. 
My aunt then responded, "If you are able to hear that you are strong and give it thought, you must be strong.  Because only the weak throw in the towel and bury their heads.  Someday you will be on the other side of every situation you face and see how you got through it and finally see what everyone else sees in you."

People ask me how I do it, how I stay so strong, and honestly.. I don't know.  I'm numb.  I feel that I'm breaking, wishing to go back to what once was, wanting to go back to when I felt I was the happiest.   But deep down I know I won't benefit from it, and it obviously doesn't work that way.  It feels like every morning I wake up, and paste a smile on my face and act like everything's okay.  There are a few people in my life that when I talk to, or hang around... that I completely feel myself again, I forget all the crap I'm going through, all the craziness.  I need to find more people like that.

So, in reality.  How am I doing? Crappy.  But I'm trying so hard to look at the positive side of things...

I lost my mom, I found God.
I lost some friends, I'm finding new ones.
I lost a love, I'll find one better.
I thought I had a plan, God is directing me to a different one.
I had a career in mind, maybe that's what I'm not meant to do.

I keep telling myself the same thing I've told many friends over the past few years...

Everything happens for a reason.

Etsy!

Have been a busy busy girl besides helping my sister with her wedding, recuperating from her bridal shower (which I'll have to post pictures soon), but just launched my Etsy page! 

Go visit and see some of the items I've been working on!!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/SweeetLittleNothings?ref=seller_info

Women

Someone I went to school with posted this on Facebook not too long ago... I liked it so much, I had to share!

"Some women need to know the difference between a man that flatters her and a man that compliments her. A man that spends money on her and a man who invests in her. A man that views her as property and a man that views her properly. A man that lusts after her and a man that loves her. A man that believes he is God's gift to women and a man that REMEMBERS a woman was God's gift to man."
-Author Unknown


- Posted from my iPhone

Less drowning, more land.

"No more false starts, and no dead ends. Cause I'm in no shape to do whats right, and I see up as down, and black as white.  It makes me dizzy, come apart, all this love love love in the dark."



Confused Lost Little Mess

My best friend's husband came over tonight, he's coming over once a week to come sit down and talk with the family about religious views, heaven, where we go after we die, what happens, etc.  My dad's thoughts were that as a family, we need to get more spiritually involved.  He's mentioned that he hates that for many years (pretty much my whole entire life) that we've never done this... and it had to take my mom being terminally ill to sit down as a family and do this together.  It's a really good idea... and being that we're doing this at home, and not just going to church/youth group is a great advantage.  Conversations/topics are arranged on what's going on with us specifically, instead of sitting through church to hear a topic that may not be relevant to us at this specific time.  We're not sure how much more time we have together as an entire family, so sitting down and discussing things, learning things as a family, opening our hearts to God together... can only bring a positive outlook on life, and on our family, and our relationships with God.

Maybe because I'm super overwhelmed with life itself right now... not knowing where my path is leading, normally having a planned life (or I'd like to think so) and not having a plan right now.. is driving me insane.  When life throws curve balls, or should I say, when God throws curve balls... I get emotional.  I'm an emotional person, what can I say. LOL The beginning of the year, I had to learn to stop trying to control EVERYTHING, and trust in Him.  I had a couple friends, sending me stories/passages that helped me... But as I sit here, I realize I'm caught off guard again... which makes me uneasy, stressed and very emotional.

I've told a few people this last week or two, that I feel like I'm sleeping.. in a nightmare, just waiting to wake up.  Part of me is thinking... this isn't the life that I ordered.  But then, who does? For those who have kept up with my blogging, essentially since the beginning of the year with my previous blog; for those who just read my blog and guessed/assumed what I was going through, or those who know me personally, my the issues I was faced with... you should have been able to tell that I was going through a hard time - just me, personally.  I expressed how I have control issues, and that I'm slowly learning to let things go, and let God do His work.  You've probably heard me say "everything happens for a reason", and that I trust in God for His reasonings of doing what's been done... and that I'm sitting back and trusting God and having faith that He has a plan for me.

Well tonight, after hearing my father pray for all of us for the first time.. I broke down in tears.  During his prayer, he prayed for my Mom to fight through this, for her strength.. for Melissa to understand the reasoning of what's going on... and then he started praying for me to find God and to be open enough to build a relationship with Him... I broke down, quietly in my little corner on the couch.  I can't tell you exactly why.. it could be 1) Here I thought I had a relationship with God, and now I'm questioning it.  2) That maybe my Dad doesn't know me as well as I thought he did, or 3) Maybe I'm just not open enough with my parents in some aspects of my life, for them to not know.. for them to not know I pray almost everyday for my family (for Mom for the most part), that I pray for Him to help me find my way, that I talk to Him and tell Him that I have faith in Him, to help me get through the struggles that I've been personally faced with, the last couple years especially.  [Learning that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (which she fought strong for over a year), then experiencing my first REAL heartbreak, which then lead to questioning relationships in my life, questioning myself, my career, my life, my future.. and then just recently being told that my mom has a specific amount of time left... I've looked up to God through everything.] I sort of wonder if my Dad would still think I didn't have a relationship with God, if he knew me better... like if he read my previous blogs.  I'm not one to openly speak about what I prayed about the night before, or how I cry/talk to Him when I'm having a bad night.  But I tend to open up and have no barriers when I blog, especially the beginning of the year.. when I felt more lost and vulnerable.

So I sit here, confused.  Wondering if me questioning my relationship with God, is proof in itself that I really don't have one, and I just think that I do.  I've never been one to stand up in the middle of church, or draw any attention to myself when asked 'for those who haven't accept God, and want to accept God, please stand, or please come to the front, or even please raise your hand'.  I don't consider myself an uber religious person... I don't attend church on a weekly basis, or a monthly basis.  But I do believe in Him, and believe that He hears me, and believe that I can rely and trust in Him to guide me and my life where He intends me to go.  But, is that good enough?

I've read this post over and over again, in my head I'm making sense, but my head is a little foggy, meaning this post can be a little foggy.  With the million emotions I've been feeling the last week or so, coming to terms with my mom's health, and then also dealing with daily life situations/decisions.. I've told a few people that I'm a lost confused little mess.  I have my days where I get emotional, okay.. that's almost every day, but still... my family is whats keeping me strong.  I have to be strong for them.  Being the oldest of 4 kids, I can't lose it... for their sake.  I can tell you, from what I was going through the beginning of the year... is completely different; of course being that it's two completely different situations... but I was able to be weak, break down, be selfish with my time, lock myself in my room and have my moments.  But this time... this time is different.  I have to be strong, for my brother and sisters, for my mom and dad.. I can't be selfish, cause EVERYONE is involved.  Instead of locking myself in my room, there are times and will be times that my room is the "safety net" for my siblings.  Which is hard at times, being the "strong one".  And there are times that I start questioning my strength...

 But at those times I start questioning, I pray to God that he will help me and give me the strength I need.  Also hearing in my head, thinking back to a conversation that REALLY helped (I had the day we heard about my mom) with someone who has influenced my life in more ways than one... he said, "You are strong.  You can get through this.  You're my rock, you're your family's rock.  You can be strong enough for all of them, you always are... you always have been. You won't lose your way."  I've never been one who depended on people, who needed affirmation of how people felt/thought about me... but I can't express how much that conversation meant to me, how badly I needed to hear that...

Then I look at my wrist and think... it has to be true! I believe in myself that I have the strength, I just get lost sometimes for a bit... but I find my way back, eventually.

(Sorry this post is all over the place, I just felt like typing...) ;)

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is limited.

It CANNOT cripple love,

It CANNOT shatter hope,

It CANNOT corrode faith,

It CANNOT destroy peace,

It CANNOT kill friendship,

It CANNOT suppress memories,

It CANNOT silence courage,

It CANNOT invade the soul,

It CANNOT steal enternal life,

It CANNOT conquer the spirit.

-Author Unknown

A little fragile...