Everything that's worth having, comes with trials worth understanding.

"And I've been given hope, that there's a light upon the hall.  And a day will come with the fight is won, & I thin that day has just begun.  Somewhere, everybody starts there.  I'm counting on a small prayer, lost in a nightmare.  But I'm here, & suddenly it's so clear... The struggle through the long years, it's hard for me to outrun my fears.  But everything that's worth having, comes with trials worth understanding."



My naked face...

Fashion Friday....

Haven't done one of these in awhile.  Hmm.. well, I'm getting old.. or, oldER.  And have been needing my glasses a lot lately.  But today.. I wore them only for the sheer purpose of trying to take away (aka distract) the redness and the swelling of my eyes.  And also maybe help ignore the fact that I didn't put any face make-up on today.  I'm not sure if it really helped disguise my naked face, but as long as it makes me feel that way, and feel better about myself.. that's all that matters right?



Why?

I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these.
Isaiah 45:7

How do you be thankful, when you feel like your world is crumbling around you?

I think I have a right to question Him... question Him for the things that have happened and/or happening. I am so thankful that we decided to go to church last night.  There was a guest speaker and besides that fact that he was very entertaining and made us all laugh... he was a very good speaker and he spoke in such a way that I was completely intrigued with what he had to say. 

We have no idea why God does the things He does.  But He has a reason.  God would never throw anything your way that you aren't capable of handling. 

Here is a small preview of what I found to mean the most and hit home:

Sy Rogers interprets the verse above that the point God is trying to make is that
-  God is the sovereign Lord of the Universe, and everything that happens in it, happens under his watch; under his jurisdiction.  He's the God that let my mom be diagnosed with cancer, and die 2 years later.  He's the God that lets people get raped, lets earthquakes kill people, and tsunamis wash away homes.  The question most people have... why does he allow both the good and the bad?  Sy said, "Since God is sovereign, God is responsible for everything... therefore, blame God, because in your heart you already do."  Sy stated that he doesn't think God gets mad that we question him, because God is not petty and his ego is not threatened when we do not understand what God has allowed.  Bottom line - God is responsible, that's what this verse says. 

God incarnated human flesh and became one of us so he could die for us. 
God made humanity. 
He made Adam and Eve.
He gave them free will. 
He tested them in the garden and allowed them to go under the pressure of temptation, and God allowed them to choose wrongly - which resulted the "busload of humanity to drive right over the cliff into all manner of suffering and death".

And this same God that allowed them to do that, stepped back into time, appeared as the baby Jesus and grew up for the purpose of dying, and therefore; Jesus on the cross is Gods way of saying, "I started this, I  allowed this to go off track, I will personally pay the price to FIX it.  You can't and I can.. and I will, because I am for responsible for what's mine, so I will fix it and redeem it." 

Sy ended this part of his sermon. by saying:
Don't shake your fist at God and accuse him.  Open your fist and say -You are the God of justice, and justice says we matter to You, and You are the God that says You are responsible for what belongs to
You - God hears your cry...and I believe he will write redemptive chapters if you do not divorce him, but give him opportunity to prove how responsible he could be for us.


Talk about the perfect timing to hear him speak, and talk about the perfect topic.  Below is the video of his sermon.  This part of his speech can be forwarded to 43:25.  But if you have time, I highly recommend you watch the entire thing.  Enjoy.



Clearwater pt 3 - Sy Rogeres from Crossroads Christian Church on Vimeo.

He keeps me going....

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

I love the fact that Saturday, I was wishing it was Wednesday already.  Why, you ask? Cause I wanted to go back to Crossroads/Generate, or even church in general.  Sometimes I find myself reading what I've wrote, or analyzing my thoughts (sounds weird, but I do it)... and I amaze myself about how much I've changed.  Spiritually.  Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd ever be where I am now... looking forward to church, getting mad at myself for falling asleep without praying, asking to keep my family safe and thanking God for everything that I have.  I am truly blessed that with the loss of my Mom... I have found God.  I've never voiced this to anyone, but since my Mom passed, every time I walk into a church - I feel closer to her, and also obviously closer to Him.  I may feel closer to her because the last few weeks she was alive, we prayed a lot as a family..? I'm not entirely sure.  Or maybe I feel closer to her because I know she's with Him.  And there we are, worshiping Him, praising Him.  I can't explain the feeling, the reasoning... but I know I feel it, I feel her.  I find myself at almost every service I've attended since she's passed.. I find myself holding back tears... holding back from looking like the weird girl who's crying over something that's not even emotional in church. LOL I laugh, but it's true. 

 Through all the struggles that comes with losing a parent (and being the oldest)... The financial part of it, the emotional part of it, the part where you now have to act like a mature adult and help parent your younger under aged siblings.. I have told many and have thought everyday.. "It's in God's hands."  He knows what he's doing, and there are certain circumstances that there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it, and all you can do...is pray.  You don't realize the hardship that comes along with losing a parent, until you're put into the situation.  And I am so glad that not only do I have my closest friends and family... but if I hadn't/haven't been looking up to God and knowing/feeling Him help me get through this, I honestly believe that I would be a complete mess.

I find this inspirational. It keeps me going.  He keeps me going.  I hope others who are struggling with life can find the comfort that I have with Him, surrendering to Him.. knowing he is control, and he'll take care of you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  - Proverbs 3:5-6

My World is Changing...

"My world is changing, I'm rearranging... does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you Christmas? Do you remember? The one you used to know....
I'm not the same one, see what the time's done... is that why you have, let me go?"



So I cry every time I hear this song.  As much as I'd like to be in the Christmas spirit, I can't lie and say that I am.  I feel like boycotting Christmas.  I try to listen to Christmas music, I've tried to make my Christmas gifts, I've tried to enjoy everything that comes along with the holidays.. and it's really hard.  Christmas was my Mom's holiday.  Well... every holiday was my Mom's holiday.  She always went all out for everything.  But, I'm dreading the holiday traditions.  Absolutely dreading it.  We normally have our tree by now, but with my Dad out of town working.. it's put a damper on getting the tree (definitely NOT complaining).  Decorating the house was never really a tradition that our ENTIRE family was involved in together... it was actually my Mom and Melissa's thing.  But picking out the tree, and decorating it.  Has been a tradition as long as I can remember.  I don't think any of us have EVER missed a year.  This is our first Christmas without my mom... and also my brother (who was deployed to Japan 2 weeks ago, and won't be returning until June or July).  This is also the first Christmas without my newly married sister in the house (they are coming over in the morning, but they're still not going to be here like usual).  There is so much change, so much that is different.  It's really hard to cope with it.  The hard part is trying to stay positive and keep up the tradition and be strong for Melissa (my youngest sister).  I've been able to voice it out loud in front of her that I'm dreading getting/decorating a tree... but as I sit here right now, in an empty house.. I feel like I can finally let out all the tears and have my hour of weakness before I have to go pick her up from practice.  It is unbelievably hard waking up every morning and coming downstairs to see the house decorated with all of her holiday signs that she painted, or all of her figurines that she ALWAYS put out EVERY year.  If this is hard... I really don't want to have a tree (How sad is that? That I don't want a Christmas tree?  Can't we just pile all the presents on one of the couches?)  Our tradition of picking out a tree ALWAYS consisted of all of us kids, yelling out "FLOCK YOU", "FLOCK THIS," "THIS IS A FLOCKING GREAT TREE"... anywhere we can stick the word "flock" and make it sound like an inappropriate word.. we would.  And this always consisted of Dad laughing at us, and my mom yelling and shushing us, and us laughing.  As much as she pretended to be mad, embarrassed, or whatever it may have been... we would always catch her laughing and smiling.  Then decorating the tree... I sort of feel guilty here because the last year or two I really didn't cooperate much.. although I sat and watched and was still present... I didn't help really.  I used the excuse that my ornaments were packed up in my "apartment" boxes (because I had anticipated being out the house the last 2 years).  Every year, Mom would sit in her chair.. we would bring her the 3 or 4 tubs of ornaments (after Robby & Dad strung the lights on the tree).. she'd give us our boxes that included our own individual ornaments we had received over the years.. and after we hung those up... one by one she handed us hers and my Dads ornaments that she wanted on the tree.  Another reason why I'm dreading this... she wont be there lecturing me on how I should decorate the tree, she won't be there handing everyone the ornaments, she won't be there to witness our annual sibling tree photo montage.  It's honestly heart-breaking just thinking about it.  So as I sit here, shaking my head... I know it's something that we're going to do.  I'm shaking my head thinking I'm not strong enough for this... but I know I have to be.  I'm shaking my head knowing I'm going to be an emotional wreck and I can't come off as the older stronger sister.  And I'm shaking my head knowing that my mom wouldn't want me dreading our normal traditions.
Heart-breaking.

So this song, I can't say that the whole song applies to me.  But the lyrics I posted above were the ones that hit home.  My world is changing (in many other aspects than family).  And I'm rearranging (trying to cope with the loss of my mother, trying to cope not having my brother around cause he's on deployment, etc.)... but unfortunately, it changes Christmas... this year and all that follows.  We're definitely going to keep up the old traditions, but new traditions are going to take place as well.  And it's just something that we're all going to have to get used to, no matter how hard it may be.  It's hard to get in the Christmas spirit.  I feel like I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing anything Christmasy.  I had an hour to wrap Christmas presents or make Christmas gifts.. and instead I'm sitting here venting (which I probably needed), or I'm just procrastinating.  We'll never know.

Not to sound like a broken record, but my advice to all my readers... live your life to the fullest.  Don't skip a beat.  Enjoy your holiday traditions.  You will never know what God has in store for you or your family - embrace it!