Everything that's worth having, comes with trials worth understanding.

"And I've been given hope, that there's a light upon the hall.  And a day will come with the fight is won, & I thin that day has just begun.  Somewhere, everybody starts there.  I'm counting on a small prayer, lost in a nightmare.  But I'm here, & suddenly it's so clear... The struggle through the long years, it's hard for me to outrun my fears.  But everything that's worth having, comes with trials worth understanding."



My naked face...

Fashion Friday....

Haven't done one of these in awhile.  Hmm.. well, I'm getting old.. or, oldER.  And have been needing my glasses a lot lately.  But today.. I wore them only for the sheer purpose of trying to take away (aka distract) the redness and the swelling of my eyes.  And also maybe help ignore the fact that I didn't put any face make-up on today.  I'm not sure if it really helped disguise my naked face, but as long as it makes me feel that way, and feel better about myself.. that's all that matters right?



Why?

I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these.
Isaiah 45:7

How do you be thankful, when you feel like your world is crumbling around you?

I think I have a right to question Him... question Him for the things that have happened and/or happening. I am so thankful that we decided to go to church last night.  There was a guest speaker and besides that fact that he was very entertaining and made us all laugh... he was a very good speaker and he spoke in such a way that I was completely intrigued with what he had to say. 

We have no idea why God does the things He does.  But He has a reason.  God would never throw anything your way that you aren't capable of handling. 

Here is a small preview of what I found to mean the most and hit home:

Sy Rogers interprets the verse above that the point God is trying to make is that
-  God is the sovereign Lord of the Universe, and everything that happens in it, happens under his watch; under his jurisdiction.  He's the God that let my mom be diagnosed with cancer, and die 2 years later.  He's the God that lets people get raped, lets earthquakes kill people, and tsunamis wash away homes.  The question most people have... why does he allow both the good and the bad?  Sy said, "Since God is sovereign, God is responsible for everything... therefore, blame God, because in your heart you already do."  Sy stated that he doesn't think God gets mad that we question him, because God is not petty and his ego is not threatened when we do not understand what God has allowed.  Bottom line - God is responsible, that's what this verse says. 

God incarnated human flesh and became one of us so he could die for us. 
God made humanity. 
He made Adam and Eve.
He gave them free will. 
He tested them in the garden and allowed them to go under the pressure of temptation, and God allowed them to choose wrongly - which resulted the "busload of humanity to drive right over the cliff into all manner of suffering and death".

And this same God that allowed them to do that, stepped back into time, appeared as the baby Jesus and grew up for the purpose of dying, and therefore; Jesus on the cross is Gods way of saying, "I started this, I  allowed this to go off track, I will personally pay the price to FIX it.  You can't and I can.. and I will, because I am for responsible for what's mine, so I will fix it and redeem it." 

Sy ended this part of his sermon. by saying:
Don't shake your fist at God and accuse him.  Open your fist and say -You are the God of justice, and justice says we matter to You, and You are the God that says You are responsible for what belongs to
You - God hears your cry...and I believe he will write redemptive chapters if you do not divorce him, but give him opportunity to prove how responsible he could be for us.


Talk about the perfect timing to hear him speak, and talk about the perfect topic.  Below is the video of his sermon.  This part of his speech can be forwarded to 43:25.  But if you have time, I highly recommend you watch the entire thing.  Enjoy.



Clearwater pt 3 - Sy Rogeres from Crossroads Christian Church on Vimeo.

He keeps me going....

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

I love the fact that Saturday, I was wishing it was Wednesday already.  Why, you ask? Cause I wanted to go back to Crossroads/Generate, or even church in general.  Sometimes I find myself reading what I've wrote, or analyzing my thoughts (sounds weird, but I do it)... and I amaze myself about how much I've changed.  Spiritually.  Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd ever be where I am now... looking forward to church, getting mad at myself for falling asleep without praying, asking to keep my family safe and thanking God for everything that I have.  I am truly blessed that with the loss of my Mom... I have found God.  I've never voiced this to anyone, but since my Mom passed, every time I walk into a church - I feel closer to her, and also obviously closer to Him.  I may feel closer to her because the last few weeks she was alive, we prayed a lot as a family..? I'm not entirely sure.  Or maybe I feel closer to her because I know she's with Him.  And there we are, worshiping Him, praising Him.  I can't explain the feeling, the reasoning... but I know I feel it, I feel her.  I find myself at almost every service I've attended since she's passed.. I find myself holding back tears... holding back from looking like the weird girl who's crying over something that's not even emotional in church. LOL I laugh, but it's true. 

 Through all the struggles that comes with losing a parent (and being the oldest)... The financial part of it, the emotional part of it, the part where you now have to act like a mature adult and help parent your younger under aged siblings.. I have told many and have thought everyday.. "It's in God's hands."  He knows what he's doing, and there are certain circumstances that there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it, and all you can do...is pray.  You don't realize the hardship that comes along with losing a parent, until you're put into the situation.  And I am so glad that not only do I have my closest friends and family... but if I hadn't/haven't been looking up to God and knowing/feeling Him help me get through this, I honestly believe that I would be a complete mess.

I find this inspirational. It keeps me going.  He keeps me going.  I hope others who are struggling with life can find the comfort that I have with Him, surrendering to Him.. knowing he is control, and he'll take care of you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  - Proverbs 3:5-6

My World is Changing...

"My world is changing, I'm rearranging... does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you Christmas? Do you remember? The one you used to know....
I'm not the same one, see what the time's done... is that why you have, let me go?"



So I cry every time I hear this song.  As much as I'd like to be in the Christmas spirit, I can't lie and say that I am.  I feel like boycotting Christmas.  I try to listen to Christmas music, I've tried to make my Christmas gifts, I've tried to enjoy everything that comes along with the holidays.. and it's really hard.  Christmas was my Mom's holiday.  Well... every holiday was my Mom's holiday.  She always went all out for everything.  But, I'm dreading the holiday traditions.  Absolutely dreading it.  We normally have our tree by now, but with my Dad out of town working.. it's put a damper on getting the tree (definitely NOT complaining).  Decorating the house was never really a tradition that our ENTIRE family was involved in together... it was actually my Mom and Melissa's thing.  But picking out the tree, and decorating it.  Has been a tradition as long as I can remember.  I don't think any of us have EVER missed a year.  This is our first Christmas without my mom... and also my brother (who was deployed to Japan 2 weeks ago, and won't be returning until June or July).  This is also the first Christmas without my newly married sister in the house (they are coming over in the morning, but they're still not going to be here like usual).  There is so much change, so much that is different.  It's really hard to cope with it.  The hard part is trying to stay positive and keep up the tradition and be strong for Melissa (my youngest sister).  I've been able to voice it out loud in front of her that I'm dreading getting/decorating a tree... but as I sit here right now, in an empty house.. I feel like I can finally let out all the tears and have my hour of weakness before I have to go pick her up from practice.  It is unbelievably hard waking up every morning and coming downstairs to see the house decorated with all of her holiday signs that she painted, or all of her figurines that she ALWAYS put out EVERY year.  If this is hard... I really don't want to have a tree (How sad is that? That I don't want a Christmas tree?  Can't we just pile all the presents on one of the couches?)  Our tradition of picking out a tree ALWAYS consisted of all of us kids, yelling out "FLOCK YOU", "FLOCK THIS," "THIS IS A FLOCKING GREAT TREE"... anywhere we can stick the word "flock" and make it sound like an inappropriate word.. we would.  And this always consisted of Dad laughing at us, and my mom yelling and shushing us, and us laughing.  As much as she pretended to be mad, embarrassed, or whatever it may have been... we would always catch her laughing and smiling.  Then decorating the tree... I sort of feel guilty here because the last year or two I really didn't cooperate much.. although I sat and watched and was still present... I didn't help really.  I used the excuse that my ornaments were packed up in my "apartment" boxes (because I had anticipated being out the house the last 2 years).  Every year, Mom would sit in her chair.. we would bring her the 3 or 4 tubs of ornaments (after Robby & Dad strung the lights on the tree).. she'd give us our boxes that included our own individual ornaments we had received over the years.. and after we hung those up... one by one she handed us hers and my Dads ornaments that she wanted on the tree.  Another reason why I'm dreading this... she wont be there lecturing me on how I should decorate the tree, she won't be there handing everyone the ornaments, she won't be there to witness our annual sibling tree photo montage.  It's honestly heart-breaking just thinking about it.  So as I sit here, shaking my head... I know it's something that we're going to do.  I'm shaking my head thinking I'm not strong enough for this... but I know I have to be.  I'm shaking my head knowing I'm going to be an emotional wreck and I can't come off as the older stronger sister.  And I'm shaking my head knowing that my mom wouldn't want me dreading our normal traditions.
Heart-breaking.

So this song, I can't say that the whole song applies to me.  But the lyrics I posted above were the ones that hit home.  My world is changing (in many other aspects than family).  And I'm rearranging (trying to cope with the loss of my mother, trying to cope not having my brother around cause he's on deployment, etc.)... but unfortunately, it changes Christmas... this year and all that follows.  We're definitely going to keep up the old traditions, but new traditions are going to take place as well.  And it's just something that we're all going to have to get used to, no matter how hard it may be.  It's hard to get in the Christmas spirit.  I feel like I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing anything Christmasy.  I had an hour to wrap Christmas presents or make Christmas gifts.. and instead I'm sitting here venting (which I probably needed), or I'm just procrastinating.  We'll never know.

Not to sound like a broken record, but my advice to all my readers... live your life to the fullest.  Don't skip a beat.  Enjoy your holiday traditions.  You will never know what God has in store for you or your family - embrace it!

Spare me what you think, & tell me a lie.



Live, Love, Laugh

I'm laying on my bed after cleaning up my room, catching up with an old friend that I haven't talked to or seen in FOREVER, now blasting my music...  I finally sit and chill for the first time today...and am thankful to sit and breathe.  Then I start considering my topic for today's blog.  What am I thankful for.. what should I write about?  I can be superficial and be thankful my nail lady was able to squeeze me in and fix a broken nail, I can be materialistic and be thankful for my phone or my car.  But in reality, none of this stuff matters.  My phone, my car, my computer, my shoes, my clothes, my handbags, all the money in the world... could be gone, taken away - and I'd still be thankful.  I think I've wrote about this before, but I can't stress it enough. 

There are no amount of words to express how thankful I am for LIFE!!

(Quick thought: a quote from my favorite movie came in mind right now - "You have more than enough personalities to keep me completely occupied!" - How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days
I know I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.  But I didn't want to give any of you the impression that I'm depressed and hating life.  Though I'm lost and confused most of the time, I'm still me.  I know this is my life, and God has already planned it out.  I'm just along for the ride.  But you will notice my good and bad days through my writing - I think.  I know I can tell. That quote just stuck out cause I can imagine you (my readers) thinking, "oh my, she's gone of the loony bin.. first shes complaining about her life, and now she's thankful for it" LOL)

Life.  Be thankful for it.  It can be taken away from you in minutes, months, years...whatever your destiny may be.  Live your life to the fullest.  Be thankful your alive to see your parents grow old together, or your children grow up.  Be thankful you can hug the people who you love.  Be thankful your alive to experience love, laughter, sadness, etc.  Be thankful your alive to see the sun, the rain.  Be thankful that you can see, taste, hear, smell... be thankful for every single breath you take.  NEVER take it for granted.  Don't ever forget to say those three simple words to the people who you love the most.

My mother was always my inspiration (and still is), but she was my inspiration for tonights post.  I don't think people realize what can be taken away from them.  Part of me thinks that the last few years of my life would have been different if I would have known that my mom was going to pass away this year.  I would have told her I loved her more, I would have fought with her less, I would have listened to her more.  I'm guilty of all of these, and fortunately I'm smart enough to not let the past hurt me, or make me have any regrets.  My mother and I had an amazing relationship/friendship.  I know she knew that I loved her and that she was my best friend.  She told me she knew in one of the last conversations I had with her.

So, what it this all comes down to... point blank, love the people in your life and don't take them for granted... and while doing so.. live your life to the fullest.  Live without regrets.  The way I'm living my life to the fullest right now.. I'm getting to know God, spending more time with Him, listening to Him and trying to figure out His next move for my life. I've surrounded myself with positive, happy, non-judgemental people; people who I know I can count on 100%, people who make me smile and laugh. No regrets. I'm just living the life. Taking one day at a time, living it like it's my last. I wish you will all do the same.

SWG... Sleep, Work, Gym

I was thinking of changing my Wednesdays... to Weird Wednesdays instead of Wednesdays Whine.  Only because I hate when people whine, and I hate when I'm one of those whiny people.  I'm trying to change my outlook on life... trying to look at everything with a positive outlook, make a difficult/sucky situation into a positive.  As hard as it may be.. I'm trying.

-BUT-

I'm going to whine today.  I'm exhausted.  I'm sleeping very well lately, so well.. that it puts me into an acomma, and it's very hard for me to wake-up... I'm sleeping so hard that my body aches cause I don't move during the middle of the night.  But am I exhausted from too much sleep, or not enough? Tricky question, right?  So aside from sleeping... Work.  I've been complaining for the last month or so, because half my time that I normally spend in my office is being spent as a cashier.  I stopped being a cashier like 4 years ago... so I was becoming a little overwhelmed trying to handle my office work on top of the "cashier" duties.  (It's actually time wasted sitting up at the front counter, doing tedious tasks and taking peoples money... I'll be honest and think my time is worth more than that).  So.. Monday comes around and am asked to take on the responsibilities of future events/promotions (since I am an 'event expert').  I accept the responsibilities, and am now coordinating the marketing/advertising aspect, the food, vendors, etc for all future events.  Fortunately there is only one event/promo every other month.. but being that we're in the middle of an event this week, I'm now trying to prepare food/event info for Saturday, on top of trying to find a printer and get mailers sent out in the next week or so for Black Friday... and also trying to plan our annual Christmas party... ON TOP of my normal day-to-day stuff, AND cashiering.  Tuesday rolls around, and I'm told/asked if I can train cashiers today.  WOOOHOOOO!! This means, I am no longer going to be spending every morning dealing with customers and can go back to enjoying sitting in my chair in my warm office with my coffee not dealing with customers asking retarded questions. ;) LOL  I would have to say, the last 2 days have flown by rather quickly at work.. training 2 girls (who are being called my minions), and handling event stuff (which I obviously love.. ), and then my normal day-to-day stuff... I can say there was a lot of pausing and trying to remember what I'm doing, a lot of 'sighing' the last 2 days.  But... I think I work best when I'm busy.  I stay awake. LOL  So we'll see how this goes.

Can I also whine about the gym? I've been trying to go, and to be honest... ok.. honestly, I'm not trying to go. LOL I want to go.. but I'm so tired by the time I get home, I'd rather not be there.  I have absolutely NO motivation.  But I did stand on the scale the other day... and I'm blaming my emotional eating habits on the older generation of my family.  Moms side, or Dads side.. I don't care.  I blame them.  I haven't weighed or been to the gym since August, and.. I've totally packed on a few pounds the last few months (the month before mom passed, the month of, and the month after).  Is it wrong to blame her? Just kidding... (Dads sick humor.. sorry if that was inappropriate.)  Anywho.. motivation, is needed.  Anyone have any ideas? LOL

Inspiration

- Posted from my iPhone

It'll Be Alright

This song has been on repeat for the past week. Definitely has helped me get through a couple rough days. Just wanted to share. :)

"I can see the wait there in your eyes
I can feel the thought in your sigh
Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night
The sun will rise.


....


Although you cant see it
So hard to believe it
Sometimes you just need a little faith
There's an answer to your prayer
And I swear that there'll come a day
The sun will rise."



Change

I once thought that I had it all.   I had the perfect family.. though crazy at times, and we had our ups and downs... I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I had the most amazing friends (though I had different sets of them), I had the ones to confide in, the ones who I can run to for anything, the ones to go out and party with, the ones that would sit here and eat a tub of icecream with me when I was upset,  the ones that could make me laugh at any given moment, or the ones that would just sit down with you while you drink a bottle of wine by yourself and tell you everythings gonna be okay.  I had found a love, a love that was worth the ups and downs, though it wasn't easy.. the love and the friendship was worth any battle.  I had a plan, a career in mind that I was working towards.  I had a sense of who I was, what I wanted.

And now I feel like it's all gone... for the most part.

My perfect family is now just my family, because how can it be perfect without my mom.  My amazing friends, are still amazing people... some of us have gone our separate ways, which has been decided that its for the best.  We each have our own lives, our own families, our own priorities... so even though a small handful of them are still a major part of my life, it's not what I'm used to.  My heart.. I believe it deserves to be loved as much as it loves... my heart wants more than what it's been given.  My plan for my life is no longer in effect due to the fact of not knowing what I want to do with myself.  What I want, who I am... I'm now trying to figure that out... AGAIN.

What have I found through all this?  I've found God... so as much as I cry, as much as I'm lost, confused, and numb.  I know I have Him by my side.  I know I have an amazing support system, my family & extended family.  I know I have a good handful of friends, who God has chosen to stand by my side through the bazillion emotional ups and downs I have been faced with, which I thank Him everyday for.  I know I have been blessed with many talents, so I have the option to choose which to perfect and try to make a career out of.  I have no restrictions, I'm open to change.. new relationships/friendships, new career choice, new life.  As much as it all scares me, I have no other choice. 

What once was, has come and gone.  I feel the chapter has ended.  And a new one has begun.  Scary yet exciting, sad yet happy.  Can you tell I'm having mixed emotions?

I posted today on Facebook, that I keep being told that I'm such a strong person, and that I beg to differ. 
My aunt then responded, "If you are able to hear that you are strong and give it thought, you must be strong.  Because only the weak throw in the towel and bury their heads.  Someday you will be on the other side of every situation you face and see how you got through it and finally see what everyone else sees in you."

People ask me how I do it, how I stay so strong, and honestly.. I don't know.  I'm numb.  I feel that I'm breaking, wishing to go back to what once was, wanting to go back to when I felt I was the happiest.   But deep down I know I won't benefit from it, and it obviously doesn't work that way.  It feels like every morning I wake up, and paste a smile on my face and act like everything's okay.  There are a few people in my life that when I talk to, or hang around... that I completely feel myself again, I forget all the crap I'm going through, all the craziness.  I need to find more people like that.

So, in reality.  How am I doing? Crappy.  But I'm trying so hard to look at the positive side of things...

I lost my mom, I found God.
I lost some friends, I'm finding new ones.
I lost a love, I'll find one better.
I thought I had a plan, God is directing me to a different one.
I had a career in mind, maybe that's what I'm not meant to do.

I keep telling myself the same thing I've told many friends over the past few years...

Everything happens for a reason.

Etsy!

Have been a busy busy girl besides helping my sister with her wedding, recuperating from her bridal shower (which I'll have to post pictures soon), but just launched my Etsy page! 

Go visit and see some of the items I've been working on!!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/SweeetLittleNothings?ref=seller_info