Everything that's worth having, comes with trials worth understanding.

"And I've been given hope, that there's a light upon the hall.  And a day will come with the fight is won, & I thin that day has just begun.  Somewhere, everybody starts there.  I'm counting on a small prayer, lost in a nightmare.  But I'm here, & suddenly it's so clear... The struggle through the long years, it's hard for me to outrun my fears.  But everything that's worth having, comes with trials worth understanding."



My naked face...

Fashion Friday....

Haven't done one of these in awhile.  Hmm.. well, I'm getting old.. or, oldER.  And have been needing my glasses a lot lately.  But today.. I wore them only for the sheer purpose of trying to take away (aka distract) the redness and the swelling of my eyes.  And also maybe help ignore the fact that I didn't put any face make-up on today.  I'm not sure if it really helped disguise my naked face, but as long as it makes me feel that way, and feel better about myself.. that's all that matters right?



Why?

I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these.
Isaiah 45:7

How do you be thankful, when you feel like your world is crumbling around you?

I think I have a right to question Him... question Him for the things that have happened and/or happening. I am so thankful that we decided to go to church last night.  There was a guest speaker and besides that fact that he was very entertaining and made us all laugh... he was a very good speaker and he spoke in such a way that I was completely intrigued with what he had to say. 

We have no idea why God does the things He does.  But He has a reason.  God would never throw anything your way that you aren't capable of handling. 

Here is a small preview of what I found to mean the most and hit home:

Sy Rogers interprets the verse above that the point God is trying to make is that
-  God is the sovereign Lord of the Universe, and everything that happens in it, happens under his watch; under his jurisdiction.  He's the God that let my mom be diagnosed with cancer, and die 2 years later.  He's the God that lets people get raped, lets earthquakes kill people, and tsunamis wash away homes.  The question most people have... why does he allow both the good and the bad?  Sy said, "Since God is sovereign, God is responsible for everything... therefore, blame God, because in your heart you already do."  Sy stated that he doesn't think God gets mad that we question him, because God is not petty and his ego is not threatened when we do not understand what God has allowed.  Bottom line - God is responsible, that's what this verse says. 

God incarnated human flesh and became one of us so he could die for us. 
God made humanity. 
He made Adam and Eve.
He gave them free will. 
He tested them in the garden and allowed them to go under the pressure of temptation, and God allowed them to choose wrongly - which resulted the "busload of humanity to drive right over the cliff into all manner of suffering and death".

And this same God that allowed them to do that, stepped back into time, appeared as the baby Jesus and grew up for the purpose of dying, and therefore; Jesus on the cross is Gods way of saying, "I started this, I  allowed this to go off track, I will personally pay the price to FIX it.  You can't and I can.. and I will, because I am for responsible for what's mine, so I will fix it and redeem it." 

Sy ended this part of his sermon. by saying:
Don't shake your fist at God and accuse him.  Open your fist and say -You are the God of justice, and justice says we matter to You, and You are the God that says You are responsible for what belongs to
You - God hears your cry...and I believe he will write redemptive chapters if you do not divorce him, but give him opportunity to prove how responsible he could be for us.


Talk about the perfect timing to hear him speak, and talk about the perfect topic.  Below is the video of his sermon.  This part of his speech can be forwarded to 43:25.  But if you have time, I highly recommend you watch the entire thing.  Enjoy.



Clearwater pt 3 - Sy Rogeres from Crossroads Christian Church on Vimeo.

He keeps me going....

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

I love the fact that Saturday, I was wishing it was Wednesday already.  Why, you ask? Cause I wanted to go back to Crossroads/Generate, or even church in general.  Sometimes I find myself reading what I've wrote, or analyzing my thoughts (sounds weird, but I do it)... and I amaze myself about how much I've changed.  Spiritually.  Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd ever be where I am now... looking forward to church, getting mad at myself for falling asleep without praying, asking to keep my family safe and thanking God for everything that I have.  I am truly blessed that with the loss of my Mom... I have found God.  I've never voiced this to anyone, but since my Mom passed, every time I walk into a church - I feel closer to her, and also obviously closer to Him.  I may feel closer to her because the last few weeks she was alive, we prayed a lot as a family..? I'm not entirely sure.  Or maybe I feel closer to her because I know she's with Him.  And there we are, worshiping Him, praising Him.  I can't explain the feeling, the reasoning... but I know I feel it, I feel her.  I find myself at almost every service I've attended since she's passed.. I find myself holding back tears... holding back from looking like the weird girl who's crying over something that's not even emotional in church. LOL I laugh, but it's true. 

 Through all the struggles that comes with losing a parent (and being the oldest)... The financial part of it, the emotional part of it, the part where you now have to act like a mature adult and help parent your younger under aged siblings.. I have told many and have thought everyday.. "It's in God's hands."  He knows what he's doing, and there are certain circumstances that there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it, and all you can do...is pray.  You don't realize the hardship that comes along with losing a parent, until you're put into the situation.  And I am so glad that not only do I have my closest friends and family... but if I hadn't/haven't been looking up to God and knowing/feeling Him help me get through this, I honestly believe that I would be a complete mess.

I find this inspirational. It keeps me going.  He keeps me going.  I hope others who are struggling with life can find the comfort that I have with Him, surrendering to Him.. knowing he is control, and he'll take care of you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  - Proverbs 3:5-6

My World is Changing...

"My world is changing, I'm rearranging... does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you Christmas? Do you remember? The one you used to know....
I'm not the same one, see what the time's done... is that why you have, let me go?"



So I cry every time I hear this song.  As much as I'd like to be in the Christmas spirit, I can't lie and say that I am.  I feel like boycotting Christmas.  I try to listen to Christmas music, I've tried to make my Christmas gifts, I've tried to enjoy everything that comes along with the holidays.. and it's really hard.  Christmas was my Mom's holiday.  Well... every holiday was my Mom's holiday.  She always went all out for everything.  But, I'm dreading the holiday traditions.  Absolutely dreading it.  We normally have our tree by now, but with my Dad out of town working.. it's put a damper on getting the tree (definitely NOT complaining).  Decorating the house was never really a tradition that our ENTIRE family was involved in together... it was actually my Mom and Melissa's thing.  But picking out the tree, and decorating it.  Has been a tradition as long as I can remember.  I don't think any of us have EVER missed a year.  This is our first Christmas without my mom... and also my brother (who was deployed to Japan 2 weeks ago, and won't be returning until June or July).  This is also the first Christmas without my newly married sister in the house (they are coming over in the morning, but they're still not going to be here like usual).  There is so much change, so much that is different.  It's really hard to cope with it.  The hard part is trying to stay positive and keep up the tradition and be strong for Melissa (my youngest sister).  I've been able to voice it out loud in front of her that I'm dreading getting/decorating a tree... but as I sit here right now, in an empty house.. I feel like I can finally let out all the tears and have my hour of weakness before I have to go pick her up from practice.  It is unbelievably hard waking up every morning and coming downstairs to see the house decorated with all of her holiday signs that she painted, or all of her figurines that she ALWAYS put out EVERY year.  If this is hard... I really don't want to have a tree (How sad is that? That I don't want a Christmas tree?  Can't we just pile all the presents on one of the couches?)  Our tradition of picking out a tree ALWAYS consisted of all of us kids, yelling out "FLOCK YOU", "FLOCK THIS," "THIS IS A FLOCKING GREAT TREE"... anywhere we can stick the word "flock" and make it sound like an inappropriate word.. we would.  And this always consisted of Dad laughing at us, and my mom yelling and shushing us, and us laughing.  As much as she pretended to be mad, embarrassed, or whatever it may have been... we would always catch her laughing and smiling.  Then decorating the tree... I sort of feel guilty here because the last year or two I really didn't cooperate much.. although I sat and watched and was still present... I didn't help really.  I used the excuse that my ornaments were packed up in my "apartment" boxes (because I had anticipated being out the house the last 2 years).  Every year, Mom would sit in her chair.. we would bring her the 3 or 4 tubs of ornaments (after Robby & Dad strung the lights on the tree).. she'd give us our boxes that included our own individual ornaments we had received over the years.. and after we hung those up... one by one she handed us hers and my Dads ornaments that she wanted on the tree.  Another reason why I'm dreading this... she wont be there lecturing me on how I should decorate the tree, she won't be there handing everyone the ornaments, she won't be there to witness our annual sibling tree photo montage.  It's honestly heart-breaking just thinking about it.  So as I sit here, shaking my head... I know it's something that we're going to do.  I'm shaking my head thinking I'm not strong enough for this... but I know I have to be.  I'm shaking my head knowing I'm going to be an emotional wreck and I can't come off as the older stronger sister.  And I'm shaking my head knowing that my mom wouldn't want me dreading our normal traditions.
Heart-breaking.

So this song, I can't say that the whole song applies to me.  But the lyrics I posted above were the ones that hit home.  My world is changing (in many other aspects than family).  And I'm rearranging (trying to cope with the loss of my mother, trying to cope not having my brother around cause he's on deployment, etc.)... but unfortunately, it changes Christmas... this year and all that follows.  We're definitely going to keep up the old traditions, but new traditions are going to take place as well.  And it's just something that we're all going to have to get used to, no matter how hard it may be.  It's hard to get in the Christmas spirit.  I feel like I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing anything Christmasy.  I had an hour to wrap Christmas presents or make Christmas gifts.. and instead I'm sitting here venting (which I probably needed), or I'm just procrastinating.  We'll never know.

Not to sound like a broken record, but my advice to all my readers... live your life to the fullest.  Don't skip a beat.  Enjoy your holiday traditions.  You will never know what God has in store for you or your family - embrace it!

Spare me what you think, & tell me a lie.



Live, Love, Laugh

I'm laying on my bed after cleaning up my room, catching up with an old friend that I haven't talked to or seen in FOREVER, now blasting my music...  I finally sit and chill for the first time today...and am thankful to sit and breathe.  Then I start considering my topic for today's blog.  What am I thankful for.. what should I write about?  I can be superficial and be thankful my nail lady was able to squeeze me in and fix a broken nail, I can be materialistic and be thankful for my phone or my car.  But in reality, none of this stuff matters.  My phone, my car, my computer, my shoes, my clothes, my handbags, all the money in the world... could be gone, taken away - and I'd still be thankful.  I think I've wrote about this before, but I can't stress it enough. 

There are no amount of words to express how thankful I am for LIFE!!

(Quick thought: a quote from my favorite movie came in mind right now - "You have more than enough personalities to keep me completely occupied!" - How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days
I know I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.  But I didn't want to give any of you the impression that I'm depressed and hating life.  Though I'm lost and confused most of the time, I'm still me.  I know this is my life, and God has already planned it out.  I'm just along for the ride.  But you will notice my good and bad days through my writing - I think.  I know I can tell. That quote just stuck out cause I can imagine you (my readers) thinking, "oh my, she's gone of the loony bin.. first shes complaining about her life, and now she's thankful for it" LOL)

Life.  Be thankful for it.  It can be taken away from you in minutes, months, years...whatever your destiny may be.  Live your life to the fullest.  Be thankful your alive to see your parents grow old together, or your children grow up.  Be thankful you can hug the people who you love.  Be thankful your alive to experience love, laughter, sadness, etc.  Be thankful your alive to see the sun, the rain.  Be thankful that you can see, taste, hear, smell... be thankful for every single breath you take.  NEVER take it for granted.  Don't ever forget to say those three simple words to the people who you love the most.

My mother was always my inspiration (and still is), but she was my inspiration for tonights post.  I don't think people realize what can be taken away from them.  Part of me thinks that the last few years of my life would have been different if I would have known that my mom was going to pass away this year.  I would have told her I loved her more, I would have fought with her less, I would have listened to her more.  I'm guilty of all of these, and fortunately I'm smart enough to not let the past hurt me, or make me have any regrets.  My mother and I had an amazing relationship/friendship.  I know she knew that I loved her and that she was my best friend.  She told me she knew in one of the last conversations I had with her.

So, what it this all comes down to... point blank, love the people in your life and don't take them for granted... and while doing so.. live your life to the fullest.  Live without regrets.  The way I'm living my life to the fullest right now.. I'm getting to know God, spending more time with Him, listening to Him and trying to figure out His next move for my life. I've surrounded myself with positive, happy, non-judgemental people; people who I know I can count on 100%, people who make me smile and laugh. No regrets. I'm just living the life. Taking one day at a time, living it like it's my last. I wish you will all do the same.

SWG... Sleep, Work, Gym

I was thinking of changing my Wednesdays... to Weird Wednesdays instead of Wednesdays Whine.  Only because I hate when people whine, and I hate when I'm one of those whiny people.  I'm trying to change my outlook on life... trying to look at everything with a positive outlook, make a difficult/sucky situation into a positive.  As hard as it may be.. I'm trying.

-BUT-

I'm going to whine today.  I'm exhausted.  I'm sleeping very well lately, so well.. that it puts me into an acomma, and it's very hard for me to wake-up... I'm sleeping so hard that my body aches cause I don't move during the middle of the night.  But am I exhausted from too much sleep, or not enough? Tricky question, right?  So aside from sleeping... Work.  I've been complaining for the last month or so, because half my time that I normally spend in my office is being spent as a cashier.  I stopped being a cashier like 4 years ago... so I was becoming a little overwhelmed trying to handle my office work on top of the "cashier" duties.  (It's actually time wasted sitting up at the front counter, doing tedious tasks and taking peoples money... I'll be honest and think my time is worth more than that).  So.. Monday comes around and am asked to take on the responsibilities of future events/promotions (since I am an 'event expert').  I accept the responsibilities, and am now coordinating the marketing/advertising aspect, the food, vendors, etc for all future events.  Fortunately there is only one event/promo every other month.. but being that we're in the middle of an event this week, I'm now trying to prepare food/event info for Saturday, on top of trying to find a printer and get mailers sent out in the next week or so for Black Friday... and also trying to plan our annual Christmas party... ON TOP of my normal day-to-day stuff, AND cashiering.  Tuesday rolls around, and I'm told/asked if I can train cashiers today.  WOOOHOOOO!! This means, I am no longer going to be spending every morning dealing with customers and can go back to enjoying sitting in my chair in my warm office with my coffee not dealing with customers asking retarded questions. ;) LOL  I would have to say, the last 2 days have flown by rather quickly at work.. training 2 girls (who are being called my minions), and handling event stuff (which I obviously love.. ), and then my normal day-to-day stuff... I can say there was a lot of pausing and trying to remember what I'm doing, a lot of 'sighing' the last 2 days.  But... I think I work best when I'm busy.  I stay awake. LOL  So we'll see how this goes.

Can I also whine about the gym? I've been trying to go, and to be honest... ok.. honestly, I'm not trying to go. LOL I want to go.. but I'm so tired by the time I get home, I'd rather not be there.  I have absolutely NO motivation.  But I did stand on the scale the other day... and I'm blaming my emotional eating habits on the older generation of my family.  Moms side, or Dads side.. I don't care.  I blame them.  I haven't weighed or been to the gym since August, and.. I've totally packed on a few pounds the last few months (the month before mom passed, the month of, and the month after).  Is it wrong to blame her? Just kidding... (Dads sick humor.. sorry if that was inappropriate.)  Anywho.. motivation, is needed.  Anyone have any ideas? LOL

Inspiration

- Posted from my iPhone

It'll Be Alright

This song has been on repeat for the past week. Definitely has helped me get through a couple rough days. Just wanted to share. :)

"I can see the wait there in your eyes
I can feel the thought in your sigh
Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night
The sun will rise.


....


Although you cant see it
So hard to believe it
Sometimes you just need a little faith
There's an answer to your prayer
And I swear that there'll come a day
The sun will rise."



Change

I once thought that I had it all.   I had the perfect family.. though crazy at times, and we had our ups and downs... I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I had the most amazing friends (though I had different sets of them), I had the ones to confide in, the ones who I can run to for anything, the ones to go out and party with, the ones that would sit here and eat a tub of icecream with me when I was upset,  the ones that could make me laugh at any given moment, or the ones that would just sit down with you while you drink a bottle of wine by yourself and tell you everythings gonna be okay.  I had found a love, a love that was worth the ups and downs, though it wasn't easy.. the love and the friendship was worth any battle.  I had a plan, a career in mind that I was working towards.  I had a sense of who I was, what I wanted.

And now I feel like it's all gone... for the most part.

My perfect family is now just my family, because how can it be perfect without my mom.  My amazing friends, are still amazing people... some of us have gone our separate ways, which has been decided that its for the best.  We each have our own lives, our own families, our own priorities... so even though a small handful of them are still a major part of my life, it's not what I'm used to.  My heart.. I believe it deserves to be loved as much as it loves... my heart wants more than what it's been given.  My plan for my life is no longer in effect due to the fact of not knowing what I want to do with myself.  What I want, who I am... I'm now trying to figure that out... AGAIN.

What have I found through all this?  I've found God... so as much as I cry, as much as I'm lost, confused, and numb.  I know I have Him by my side.  I know I have an amazing support system, my family & extended family.  I know I have a good handful of friends, who God has chosen to stand by my side through the bazillion emotional ups and downs I have been faced with, which I thank Him everyday for.  I know I have been blessed with many talents, so I have the option to choose which to perfect and try to make a career out of.  I have no restrictions, I'm open to change.. new relationships/friendships, new career choice, new life.  As much as it all scares me, I have no other choice. 

What once was, has come and gone.  I feel the chapter has ended.  And a new one has begun.  Scary yet exciting, sad yet happy.  Can you tell I'm having mixed emotions?

I posted today on Facebook, that I keep being told that I'm such a strong person, and that I beg to differ. 
My aunt then responded, "If you are able to hear that you are strong and give it thought, you must be strong.  Because only the weak throw in the towel and bury their heads.  Someday you will be on the other side of every situation you face and see how you got through it and finally see what everyone else sees in you."

People ask me how I do it, how I stay so strong, and honestly.. I don't know.  I'm numb.  I feel that I'm breaking, wishing to go back to what once was, wanting to go back to when I felt I was the happiest.   But deep down I know I won't benefit from it, and it obviously doesn't work that way.  It feels like every morning I wake up, and paste a smile on my face and act like everything's okay.  There are a few people in my life that when I talk to, or hang around... that I completely feel myself again, I forget all the crap I'm going through, all the craziness.  I need to find more people like that.

So, in reality.  How am I doing? Crappy.  But I'm trying so hard to look at the positive side of things...

I lost my mom, I found God.
I lost some friends, I'm finding new ones.
I lost a love, I'll find one better.
I thought I had a plan, God is directing me to a different one.
I had a career in mind, maybe that's what I'm not meant to do.

I keep telling myself the same thing I've told many friends over the past few years...

Everything happens for a reason.

Etsy!

Have been a busy busy girl besides helping my sister with her wedding, recuperating from her bridal shower (which I'll have to post pictures soon), but just launched my Etsy page! 

Go visit and see some of the items I've been working on!!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/SweeetLittleNothings?ref=seller_info

Women

Someone I went to school with posted this on Facebook not too long ago... I liked it so much, I had to share!

"Some women need to know the difference between a man that flatters her and a man that compliments her. A man that spends money on her and a man who invests in her. A man that views her as property and a man that views her properly. A man that lusts after her and a man that loves her. A man that believes he is God's gift to women and a man that REMEMBERS a woman was God's gift to man."
-Author Unknown


- Posted from my iPhone

Less drowning, more land.

"No more false starts, and no dead ends. Cause I'm in no shape to do whats right, and I see up as down, and black as white.  It makes me dizzy, come apart, all this love love love in the dark."



Confused Lost Little Mess

My best friend's husband came over tonight, he's coming over once a week to come sit down and talk with the family about religious views, heaven, where we go after we die, what happens, etc.  My dad's thoughts were that as a family, we need to get more spiritually involved.  He's mentioned that he hates that for many years (pretty much my whole entire life) that we've never done this... and it had to take my mom being terminally ill to sit down as a family and do this together.  It's a really good idea... and being that we're doing this at home, and not just going to church/youth group is a great advantage.  Conversations/topics are arranged on what's going on with us specifically, instead of sitting through church to hear a topic that may not be relevant to us at this specific time.  We're not sure how much more time we have together as an entire family, so sitting down and discussing things, learning things as a family, opening our hearts to God together... can only bring a positive outlook on life, and on our family, and our relationships with God.

Maybe because I'm super overwhelmed with life itself right now... not knowing where my path is leading, normally having a planned life (or I'd like to think so) and not having a plan right now.. is driving me insane.  When life throws curve balls, or should I say, when God throws curve balls... I get emotional.  I'm an emotional person, what can I say. LOL The beginning of the year, I had to learn to stop trying to control EVERYTHING, and trust in Him.  I had a couple friends, sending me stories/passages that helped me... But as I sit here, I realize I'm caught off guard again... which makes me uneasy, stressed and very emotional.

I've told a few people this last week or two, that I feel like I'm sleeping.. in a nightmare, just waiting to wake up.  Part of me is thinking... this isn't the life that I ordered.  But then, who does? For those who have kept up with my blogging, essentially since the beginning of the year with my previous blog; for those who just read my blog and guessed/assumed what I was going through, or those who know me personally, my the issues I was faced with... you should have been able to tell that I was going through a hard time - just me, personally.  I expressed how I have control issues, and that I'm slowly learning to let things go, and let God do His work.  You've probably heard me say "everything happens for a reason", and that I trust in God for His reasonings of doing what's been done... and that I'm sitting back and trusting God and having faith that He has a plan for me.

Well tonight, after hearing my father pray for all of us for the first time.. I broke down in tears.  During his prayer, he prayed for my Mom to fight through this, for her strength.. for Melissa to understand the reasoning of what's going on... and then he started praying for me to find God and to be open enough to build a relationship with Him... I broke down, quietly in my little corner on the couch.  I can't tell you exactly why.. it could be 1) Here I thought I had a relationship with God, and now I'm questioning it.  2) That maybe my Dad doesn't know me as well as I thought he did, or 3) Maybe I'm just not open enough with my parents in some aspects of my life, for them to not know.. for them to not know I pray almost everyday for my family (for Mom for the most part), that I pray for Him to help me find my way, that I talk to Him and tell Him that I have faith in Him, to help me get through the struggles that I've been personally faced with, the last couple years especially.  [Learning that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (which she fought strong for over a year), then experiencing my first REAL heartbreak, which then lead to questioning relationships in my life, questioning myself, my career, my life, my future.. and then just recently being told that my mom has a specific amount of time left... I've looked up to God through everything.] I sort of wonder if my Dad would still think I didn't have a relationship with God, if he knew me better... like if he read my previous blogs.  I'm not one to openly speak about what I prayed about the night before, or how I cry/talk to Him when I'm having a bad night.  But I tend to open up and have no barriers when I blog, especially the beginning of the year.. when I felt more lost and vulnerable.

So I sit here, confused.  Wondering if me questioning my relationship with God, is proof in itself that I really don't have one, and I just think that I do.  I've never been one to stand up in the middle of church, or draw any attention to myself when asked 'for those who haven't accept God, and want to accept God, please stand, or please come to the front, or even please raise your hand'.  I don't consider myself an uber religious person... I don't attend church on a weekly basis, or a monthly basis.  But I do believe in Him, and believe that He hears me, and believe that I can rely and trust in Him to guide me and my life where He intends me to go.  But, is that good enough?

I've read this post over and over again, in my head I'm making sense, but my head is a little foggy, meaning this post can be a little foggy.  With the million emotions I've been feeling the last week or so, coming to terms with my mom's health, and then also dealing with daily life situations/decisions.. I've told a few people that I'm a lost confused little mess.  I have my days where I get emotional, okay.. that's almost every day, but still... my family is whats keeping me strong.  I have to be strong for them.  Being the oldest of 4 kids, I can't lose it... for their sake.  I can tell you, from what I was going through the beginning of the year... is completely different; of course being that it's two completely different situations... but I was able to be weak, break down, be selfish with my time, lock myself in my room and have my moments.  But this time... this time is different.  I have to be strong, for my brother and sisters, for my mom and dad.. I can't be selfish, cause EVERYONE is involved.  Instead of locking myself in my room, there are times and will be times that my room is the "safety net" for my siblings.  Which is hard at times, being the "strong one".  And there are times that I start questioning my strength...

 But at those times I start questioning, I pray to God that he will help me and give me the strength I need.  Also hearing in my head, thinking back to a conversation that REALLY helped (I had the day we heard about my mom) with someone who has influenced my life in more ways than one... he said, "You are strong.  You can get through this.  You're my rock, you're your family's rock.  You can be strong enough for all of them, you always are... you always have been. You won't lose your way."  I've never been one who depended on people, who needed affirmation of how people felt/thought about me... but I can't express how much that conversation meant to me, how badly I needed to hear that...

Then I look at my wrist and think... it has to be true! I believe in myself that I have the strength, I just get lost sometimes for a bit... but I find my way back, eventually.

(Sorry this post is all over the place, I just felt like typing...) ;)

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is limited.

It CANNOT cripple love,

It CANNOT shatter hope,

It CANNOT corrode faith,

It CANNOT destroy peace,

It CANNOT kill friendship,

It CANNOT suppress memories,

It CANNOT silence courage,

It CANNOT invade the soul,

It CANNOT steal enternal life,

It CANNOT conquer the spirit.

-Author Unknown

A little fragile...





Life

I am thankful for my life.

I am thankful for what I have been blessed with.

I am thankful for my amazing mother and father who brought me into this world.

I am thankful for everything my parents have taught me... they have taught me how to be strong, they have taught me how to love, they have taught me how to live. They have taught me the difference between right and wrong, and have taught me how to be the best person I can be.

I am thankful for my family.  My amazing sisters, my strong brother and future brother-in-law.  Without them, their love and support... I'd be lost.

I am thankful for my aunts, for not only being my aunts, but my friends.  I am thankful for my uncles, and my cousins... and am thankful for my grandparents, who always try to be there at the time we need them most.

I am thankful for the strong support system that I have, that not only consists of family.  But my friends.  I am thankful that despite everything that has happened in the past, or in the present - that they can set aside our differences and be a friend.  I am thankful for the old friends, and thankful for the new.  For those who know me, and for those getting to know me.

I am thankful for this life. 

Even though there are days that life throws us a curve ball, and all you can say is "life sucks sometimes"... I wouldn't take anything back.  No regrets.

If I have any words of wisdom to my readers... it's live life to the fullest.  You never know what may be coming around the bend.  Tell those that you love, that you love them... don't take life for granted.

M-U-S-I-C

I post once, and now I can't stop!!

I had to update my music playlist (bottom of my blog).  You all know how I'm obsessed with music and without music, my life would mean nothing.. literally.  So, if you're interested, below are some of my old favs, new favs... and just songs I'm really into right now!! =)

I'm ALIVE!!!!

Wow!  Has it really almost been a month since I have blogged??

I can't even begin to tell you all what's been going on.. in my life and in my head!!  I've had zero time to sit down and do what I'm "newly" passionate about.. WRITING!  I wish I had all the time in the world to sit here, fill all of you in on my life.. sit down and work on my "project"... which is something I'm really motivated about doing and I eventually want to finish it (no where even close to the end of it).  But.. I'm just waiting for things to die down, for me to get some of my relaxed life back.

As most of you know my sister is getting married in October.  So, we started the wedding day countdown diet.  We're on this diet that I found a book on, called the 17 Day Diet.  It has 4 segments that consists of 17 days.  Today is the last day of our first segment.  So far my future brother-in-law has lost 22lbs, I've lost 8lbs, and my sister has lost somewhere between 8-10lbs.  Not too flabby.. oops, I mean shabby right?  I could say that it hasn't been hard, which it really hasn't... but it had it's times.  We start round 2 tomorrow, which we finally get to have carbs!!! (if you call brown rice, small baked potatoes, and corn carbs) LOL
So.. this diet... how does it take up my time?  Well, lets just say I am now qualified (in my head) as a food/health coordinator (in our household).  I've been making the grocery lists, doing the shopping with my mom, planning the meals out, making the meals (with the help occasionally from my sister and bro-in-law).  But, it's stressful.  Making sure we have enough eggs for the 3 of us the following day.. making sure I have all the ingredients to make dinner the next night.  I'm starting to dream of grocery lists!! This has proven, that I am definitely not ready to be a housewife!  Okay, well I take that back.. if there's only me and my husband.. I think I can handle it.  But, I feel like I should be on the next future housewives of the I.E.
LOL.. JUUUST KIDDDDING!

So on top of the diet, I'm near the end of getting everything ready for my sisters bridal shower.
40 handmade invitations... check.
40 handmade take home gifts... check.
40 handmade thank you cards... check.
The list can go on, but my sister reads my blog, so I don't want to spoil the fun.  But on top of getting things ready for the shower, there is also the budgeting for the food, the rentals, etc.

So on top of the diet, and the shower... I'm also making their video montage to play at the reception, designing her wedding invitations and programs, which eventually we'll have to assemble together and mail them out.
WHEW!

Then there's trying to have a social life, without the life of going out and drinking with my friends because of course the diet doesn't include booze.  Go figures!  There's trying to go the gym, trying to look for a new job.. because sadly I'm getting to the point where I wake up every morning hating life because I don't want to go.  I feel like every morning I want to throw a little tantrum and kick and scream until someone tells me.. "It's okay, you don't have to go."  Then I'm trying to plan my 25th birthday, and also wanting to help my friend plan her book release party that's happening the end of October.

I think I'm officially ready for a vacation.  A week long vacation with no wedding stuff, no gym, no diet, no meal plans, no work...  I'm imagining a beach setting, with my hotel room facing the ocean, all I have to do is walk out the doors and I'm in the sand.  I'm sitting at a desk in my room, with my laptop, blogging and writing with the cool breeze blowing through the open doors, and I literally have nothing on my mind.  Clear as day.  I'm not worrying about my bank account, about my emails, about responding fast enough to phone calls/emails/text messages, not worrying about a damn thing.. cause I'm on VACATION.


SIIIIGHHHH

A girl can wish, right?

I'll try to stay in touch, and update you guys.  It had been almost a week since I had turned on my laptop, and the only reason why I turned it on was because I was house-sitting last week. 

Until then.... <3

When I Look At You...



FUN FUN!!

1. Went to Lilah's dance recital... ADORABLE!

2. Friday night went to my friend Julies. She was having people over, so I dragged Steph along. :) We were told that we're the cutest sisters ever. HAHA

3. Hung out with my boys for a couple hours this week... Live sitting around BS-ing with them and laughing about nothing.

4. JOB INTERVIEW!!! Went really well, but don't want to jinx it, so we'll just leave it at that.

5. Touch up on the extensions, nails done, tanning and gym. FUN being a girl, ain't it?

6. Sonics for lunch then Vegas bound with Ash. Got to Vegas and started getting ready. Headed out to the club Surrender to meet up with Ash's friends... And had a fun and drama free night!

7. So far, nothing has been accomplished today. But hopefully stop by Pink's for some fat food (lol) then the dreadful drive home! Oh joy!!


- Posted from my iPhone

Surrender

So I'm sitting in a "spare bedroom/home gym" at our home in Vegas, aka our friends house... Reflecting on last nights festivities. Thankfully neither of us (me or Ash) were belligerently drunk... But we had a great time. We went to Surrender at Encore... It was an outside club. So there was no crowded and smelly dance floor, and there was no sweating! Woohoo!! BUT, there was wind... Which brought on allergies. Not very fun when you're sneezing and sniffling. Oh well! Here are some pics of the club and us in the bathroom before we left LOL.















- Posted from my iPhone

All work, no play...

I wish there were more hours in the day!!!

For once, I would like to work (not really), get home, relax for a few, go to the gym, eat dinner at a decent hours, read, work on projects, run errands, and go to bed at a decent hours.

UGGGGGHHHH

Inspiration



Baby, You & I...

There's somethin', somethin' bout this place...
There's somethin', somethin' bout you and I....
There's somethin', somethin' bout the chase....
There's somethin', somethin' about just knowin when it's right...



Favors, favors, & more favors. ;)

1.  Happy Father's Day!!! We spent this Father's Day at my aunts house... always fun with the fam! =)

2.  Went and watched "Something Borrowed" with the cousins, the sisters and the brother-in-law.  Wasn't as good as the book of course, but was still a good movie.

3.  Hung out with my other set of boys.. Sonny & Chris.  Missed those boys. =)

4.  House/Dog sat for a night for my aunt, while her and my cousins spent the night in Palm Springs with my uncle, and while I was at work all day by myself the following day (in pain, with a stiff neck)... they were hanging out by the pool and tanning. =( LOL

5.  Babysat for my other aunt and her bf... so I had my yogurt and movie date with myself and watched "The Last Song".  Gets me every time... ::sniff sniff::

6.  Shopping.  Victoria Secrets had their semi-annual sale, and of course the wires in two of my bras snapped at the same time (not sure exactly what that means)... so I had an excuse to spend some money at Victoria Secrets.

7.  Played "event planner" for a short minute on Saturday. Scoped out parks online, and ended up driving to one and taking pictures/videos to send to my bff who was in a wedding the SAME DAY... this is why people need to hire an event coordinator.. so their groomsmen aren't texting their "wedding coordinator" friend asking where they should take the wedding pictures! lol  But I did hit 2 birds with 1 stone... I'm helping a friend of mine plan her pre-release book party.. and we might be hosting it at the same park. =)

AMAZING DEAL!

I love Fridays.  One, because it's the start of the weekend; two, sometimes it's payday; and three... I get to blog about FASHION!  When I have something fashionable to write about, I get excited.

Now, awhile back I told you guys about ShoeDazzle.com.  How it's only $39.95 for a pair of heels, flats, sandals.. whatever kind of shoe it may be.  Well, your first purchase is 20% off... and I've been scoping out these shoes for months (every week I get an email about new shoes).  I received an email the end of last week saying 40% or was it 50%?? I don't remember.. all I know was I picked out the most gorgeous and uncommon pair of heels, had it shipped for free and only paid $20!!! AMAZING!!!! 

Look at these pretty little things! ;)

Un-buttered Toast

I hate how it's so easy to wake up and instantly be in a bad mood.  Fortunately, it didn't last long this morning.. but it didn't take much either.  Only getting like 6 hours of sleep... I woke up and everything was fine; until I went to make my oatmeal, and we were out of milk.  Thought, okay.. we'll do toast.  No bread.  Then my mom reassures me that there's one slice left between the ends... so I toast that, no butter.  I tried to cook my instant oatmeal with water, and it came out a little nasty.. so while I'm looking for other cereal... remembered, no milk. LOL  So I ate my somewhat margarined toast, and my yucky watered oatmeal.. then as I'm untying my braid from last night, realized that my hair is still damp.. so the hairstyle I was going for today failed.  Then when I got in the car to leave, I must have forgot to turn down my radio last night, cause I pretty much jumped out of my seat with how loud my music was.  SIIIIIGHHHHH

Now mind you, my morning probably wouldn't have happened like this if I didn't shower and go to bed around 12:30, and if I still buy all of my own food.  I haven't had to depend on my mom/dad for groceries or food for awhile... but unfortunately am lacking in the "finance" department, and with trying to get stuff ready for Stephs shower (yes, I know I have like 2 months, but I'm a planner!!), I've cut out buying my breakfast foods and am now mooching off my parents (if they didn't know, they know now).  So, as I'm still looking for a job... I'm hoping that a part-time job I just applied to follows through.  Could use the 2nd income most definitely.

More than...

- Posted from my iPhone

I Believe in You & Me...

I'm not Snow White, but I'm lost inside this forest
I'm not Red Riding Hood, but I think the wolves have got me
Don't want those stilettos, I'm not, not Cinderella
I don't need a knight, so baby, take off all your armor

You be the Beast and I'll be the Beauty-beauty
Who needs true love as long as you love me truly?
I want it all, but I want you more
Will you wake me up, boy, if I bite your poison apple?

I don't believe in fairytales... But I believe in you and me

Take me to Wonderland.

 

 





Friends, Friends, Friends

1.  Monday was a verrryy long day.  I flew in from Arizona from visiting Jackie and her fam, went to work, went to get blood work done, went grocery shopping, friend of mine, Kristal, stopped by with her Mom and her baby... was an extremely LONG day!

2.  After work I worked on bridal shower invites, AGAIN... then went to Ashley's house to "catch up" and update each other on our lives from the last couple months.  Ended up leaving her house at 12:30 at night, and was still totally exhausted (by this night, I concluded no more 7am flights back on Monday mornings... ruined my whole week). 

3.  Picked up my bridesmaid dress, last couple things to finish up the bridal shower invites, and also applied to David's Bridal.  Figured if I get a part time job, it would be easier to work somewhere close to work; and also would definitely help me get my bills paid off a little faster.

4.  Friday night, Ash asked me to go out with her to a local bar for a drink or two.  We definitely had some moments, some laughs, some awkward times (not together, but separately... which included a trashy stripper peeing in a trashcan, and me making up a bogus lie about [my boyfriend that I live with who I've dated forever] to get out of giving a guy my number.  It was just a random and weird night.

5.  SLEEEEPP!!! FINALLY CAUGHT UP ON MY ZZZZZZ'S... YESSSSSS!!!!

6.  Saturday night I went to Hooters with the BFF (Bobby) to watch the UFC fights and have a couple beers, and a heart to heart. ;) We hadn't hung out in awhile so it was good to catch up... missed the guy!  Later that night, I watched "Waiting for Forever"... which I definitely had high expectations for, and it wasn't as good.

7.  Went to the park with Tristan, Lark and their kids; and Erin and her kid met up with us.  It was a fun park date with the kids... was funny though, I felt like the "big" kid of the group.  Later, Tristan came over and we watch "Burlesque"... GOOD MOVIE!

It's a Small World After All....

So, last night was the first night in a long time that I decided to go out and have a drink.  Given that the beginning of May I told myself..

1) No more drinking
2) You'll be working out at the gym 5-6 days a week

And has any of that happened? Sort of.... ok, not really.

The gym started out good, until I got sick and stopped going so I wouldn't die on the elliptical.  And since then (before last night), I had one beer, and two glasses of wine in the last month and a half.  Then last night, given the headache I've received from work, the minor stresses I've had sitting on my shoulder, the unknown of some certain things in my life.. I decided to go out.  And as we pull up to a local bar.. hoping not to see anyone and just have ONE drink.... I realized soon enough...

Wasn't gonna happen.

Six beers later, hanging out with people I'd never thought I'd hang out with., realizing how small of a world it is... I've come to the conclusion that I REAAAAALLLLLLYYY want to get out of Chino.  I understand that the world is just as small anywhere else... but somewhere else doesn't include people who know people, people who look like people, and people that I could possibly know. LOL

Bridesmaids Dress!

Bridesmaids dress is in!!!

As much as I should be excited for it... I'm not; cause I'm thinking I could have used that $140 on something else that month, and paid for the dress a month or so later since it didn't take as long to come in as they said. Grrr!!  Anywho, our dresses are plum (which means, I have to dye back to a more common color since red hair and a plum dress probably won't look as classy) LOL

Our dresses are short, bubble hem dresses.  Plum, and made of taffeta.  It has the same color sash to tie around our waists, so I think we decided we're going to wear it like the picture... with a bow off to the side.  Fortunately, the dresses look good on all of us (since we all have different body types).  This was the ONLY dress we tried on.. it was a little toooo easy!  But, now we move onto shoes!  We're thinking more of a tan/beige/nude color shoe.. so we shall see!! 

Good Mood!

I'm thankful for being able to take a mini vaca this past weekend.

I'm thankful for the drive from the airport and to the airport (as late and early as they were).

I'm thankful for the support from my beautiful friend and new mommy-of-two (Jac) on my new project... and getting me motivated to keep going.  Also thankful for her creative ideas and help, and also letting me send her conversations. LOL

I'm thankful for my friends that make it easy to pick-up where we left off, and can talk and hangout even if we hadn't talked or hung out in months (Ash & Kristal). =)

And lastly, I'm thankful for my mood lately.  Given the circumstances of not receiving good news on a recent doctor visit, not getting enough sleep since Monday's flight and my late night visit with Ash, and getting headaches 3 out of 5 days of the week cause of work (which I'm totally hating right now)... I've been in a relatively good mood.  Hoping things are starting to look up.. =)

Ma'am

I'm fine being called:

"Hey you"
"Miss"
"Lady"
"Beautiful"
"Bitch"
"Sweetie
"Babe" and/or "Baby"
.....

Okay, the last 3 or 4 are a little personal, and only apply to certain people. LOL  But back to the main subject... I don't mind someone calling me random names, but the one I DO NOT approve of..

"Ma'am"

UGHHHH X34982498123408

I totally get that it's out of "respect", as a customer told me today when I told him that was the 2nd time I was called that today and it makes me feel old.  He apologized, and then said something a little cheesy about wanting to know my name, and he'll call me by my name next time; and then saying he would ask me my age, but knows he shouldn't, yadda yadda yadda.  Then I think he was trying to score brownie points by saying he felt really bad. LOL He made me laugh, so I got over it.  But the first time I was called that today was by a kid like 2-4 years younger than me (I'm guessing), and I handed him an employment application and he said, "Thank you ma'am." As soon as he walked out I heard from a couple of the guys at work, giving me a hard time cause I was called "ma'am" and that I'm old.  Then like 20 minutes later, the kid brings back the application and hands it to the floor manager (who's a good 20 years older than me).  The kid walked out, and the manager laughed and made fun cause he wasn't called "sir".  WTF?!?

The only other time I've been called ma'am is by a close friend of mine, and when I sort of demand something or reprimand him.. his common response is "Yes ma'am".  But he says that cause he knows I can't stand it.  But when someone is NOT joking, and uses the word sincerely; I stings.  What happened to "miss"?  Do I not looked like a "misses" anymore?!?

I'm officially going through it... I'm officially OLD, and I haven't even hit 25 yet. 
SSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Success

The road to success is not straight.  There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, red lights called enemies, caution lights called family.  You will have flat tires called jobs, but if you have a spare called determination, an engine called preserverance, a driver called God, you will make it to a place called success!!
-Author Unknown

I Remember Me

"I dream about the place where all the broken pieces fit together, cause in this world, anything can hurt you.  It'll push you, then forget you... stole my history.  But I remember me, I remember me... It don't matter where I go, what I'm told, now you know... I remember me. 
Even if I say goodbye, start to cry, do or die... I remember me."



Phoenix!

1.  Started the week off (on Tuesday cause of the holiday) feeling pretty crappy.  I had the worst headache imaginable later in the day Tuesday afternoon.  Was so bad, I felt drunk and didn't think I should have been driving.  It hurt behind my eyes, which was causing me to want to close my eyes, so I went home and spent the rest of the night in bed.  I ate in bed, did computer stuff in bed, and finished the book I've been reading "Something Borrowed".  (NOW I CAN GO SEE THE MOVIE!!!)

2.  Did without my cough medicine on Wednesday and it was the best decision!  I felt more like myself, and was able to function on a normal level!  Smart me!! ;) So after work, I went with my mom to Missy's softball end of the year pizza party, and had dinner.  Then went home to pack for Phoenix!!

3.  Flew out to Arizona Thursday night after work.  I bought this trip a few months ago when Southwest was having an amazing deal, and have been looking forward to this trip since!  Left Thursday night, and am flying back Monday morning.  The only thing I'm NOT looking forward to is having to go straight to work after I fly in.  Thankfully I have AMAZING parents who don't mind driving 2 cars to Ontario Airport, so they can leave me with my car to go to work.  =)

4.  PITA JUNGLE!! This is my newest favorite place to come eat when I visit.  I can't even explain it and the food, but we had pita bread with hummus, spanikopita, chicken cheese quesadillas, and tomato basil and mozzarella salad.  YUUMM!!

5.  Went to Michael's and Hobby Lobby yesterday (mainly to look for paper that I'm using for Steph's Bridal Shower invites), but also to just go take a look at my favorite store. ;) On the way out, I asked Jac if this was her first time out without either of the kids (we left them at home with Jeff), and she replied with "Yes, I feel lost.  So, sorry if I'm not talking."  I found that hysterical.

6.  Went to the middle of no-where last night for dinner (where they have this famous pie, which wasn't so good), and to listen to live music.  At first I was a little worried, cause it was seriously in the middle of no where, like The Hills Have Eyes (if you haven't seen that movie, DON'T WATCH IT!!) But we had dinner, then went outside, did the Cha Cha Slide with Ali, then just hung out with her fam.

7.  Went to church with the Douma family this morning.  I find myself during church thinking I should move out here, cause the atmosphere/environment; I'd like to come to this church on a weekly basis.

Bob Marley's a Smart Man

"You may not be her first, her last or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect, & you aren't either, & the two of you may never be perfect together; but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, & admit to being human and making mistakes; hold onto her & give her the most you can. She may not be thinking of you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze & don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, & miss her when she's not there." -Bob Marley


- Posted from my iPhone

Where's my inspiration??

Inspiration, inspiration, inspiration.....

I've had NONE lately.  I haven't been inspired to write lately.  I think because looking at the computer screen hurts my eyes and my head.  Plus, writing means I have to think; which is hard to do when it's foggy.  The last day I wrote was Thursday, the day I went to the doctors and got meds.  I had 6 pills (antibiotics) that I used and abused and am out and the cold is still here (but the ear ache and sore throat is gone)... I was instructed to take Claritin (which I'm starting to think the doctor thought I was affected by allergies, which clearly is not the case), and still taking the cough medicine (religiously).

Friday I didn't do much, went home started on the invitations for Stephs Bridal Shower, and watched "Love & Other Drugs".  Slept in as much as I could Saturday; worked on the invitations a little more.  Then had a "movie date" with Tristan and saw Bridesmaids (funniest movie I have seen in a LOONG time).  After that we headed over to BJ's to have dinner with my parents and Brett's family for Steph and Brett's birthdays.  After that the 4 of us (me, Trit, Brett and Steph) headed over to Roscoe's so the birthday couple could drink.  Lets just say the weekend ended up with both of them being sick (at separate times) LOL  They were lucky I was on meds, so they had a designated driver. ;)

Sunday, slept in as much as I could again (which isn't much when you have a head cold and you wake yourself up realizing your nose is dripping.. gross right? TMI? LOL)  I woke up, layed on the couch and watched "How Do You Know" (not as good as I'd anticipated), then brushed my teeth, threw my hair up and went to Michaels, Walmart, and Victoria Secrets to grab gifts and stuff for the invitations.  Also drove by to get my nails done... which was a really bad idea.  The combination of the smell of my salon, my runny nose and the fact my hands were not "usable".. BAD IDEA.  Went home, did as much as I could with the invites, watched the latest Harry Potter movie, and went to bed.

Monday I realized I felt worse than I had the couple days before that... which isn't good.  And we had all the family coming over for Brett and Stephs birthdays.  Luckily it was a calm, relaxing and not too loud of a day.. which I found beneficial and perfect.

I keep waiting to wake up and feel completely fine... and I haven't.  Which I'm not too fond of.  My ears started hurting again today (which I'm praying goes away before my flight Thursday night), and I had an unbearable headache, which came out of no where!  My nose is still stuffy, and then of course mother-nature had to step in today as well (PMS-ing on top of everything else).  UGH!  So I've been in bed since I got home.. ate dinner, read some of my book.  And now about to call it a night.  Hopefully the more sleep I get, the chances of me getting better are greater.  I'm hoping as soon as I kick this cold's ass, I'll be back to blogging everyday.. but it's hard when you don't feel crappy. LOL

Meds & Hair Dye

Today feels like it should be Wednesday.... So I can WHINE!! Grrr! Well, I wanted to whine about going to the doctors today, but I guess I can be thankful that they squeezed me in and was able to get meds to get rid if this infection/cold. I'm also thankful for the fun and beautiful color my hair turned out tonight as well. :) That's all, short and sweet tonight!


- Posted from my iPhone

Doctors Schmoctors

I hate the doctors.  I really do.  With a passion.  I had my "lady" doctors appointment this morning; which was a follow up from my cyrosurgery in January.  So I'm keeping my fingers crossed (for my sanity's sake, and health's sake LOL) that the results come out normal.  And the last few days I've been unsure if my stuffy nose is a result of allergies or a cold; I was thinking allergies... but up until I needed to start using my inhaler 5x a day (when I haven't used it in 2+ years), and when I felt like my throat was a little swollen this morning.. I started to think that maybe it wasn't allergies.  But then looking back, my cold really has never gone away since Stagecoach.  So I called the doctors this afternoon, and luckily they're able to squeeze me in tomorrow afternoon.  Yes, I'm whining, only because that's $$ I'm spending at every kind of doctor visit!! I'm also whining cause my body likes to play games on me, when I don't have $$ or time for games! LOL This makes it even harder because I feel completely fine other than the nose and the not being able to breathe... but I need to make sure I kill this before I leave next Thursday night (Phoenix bound to visit one of the besties and her fam... which includes a newborn!!)  So I'm hoping he can give me something to kill this cold off, give me maybe a different kind of inhaler (cause I'm doubting I'm needing it right now for asthmatic reasons, it might be this chest cold... I never used to need my inhaler after every time I laughed LOL), and hopefully he can give me another refill on my inhaler for my asthma (so I don't have to go back later)... OMG.. all that equals more $$$$$!!! Holy moly.... 

Happiness vs. Confidence

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering."
-Author Unknown

I'm not complaining about where I am in my life right now, or what is to come.  I'm very excited about my future, very excited to see what will become of my life.  But at this moment, I feel like I'm desperately trying to hold onto, or grab onto a piece of my old life.  (Yea, that sounds a little funny... my old life?)  When I say my 'old life'.. I mean my life before it took a turn.  My life before I decided to step away and do a self-evaluation of who I am, and what I want, my life before I made some changes.  I understand that as I get older, my priorities, my thoughts, my surroundings, my wants and needs will all change.  And as much as I get excited for change... there's a small part of me that never wants anything to change.  I'm trying to fight myself to remember the reasoning for the changes that were made; fighting myself to remember that the changes were for my own good.

But the reason why this has been brought up, is because if I were to compare where I stand now, to where I was then... I would say that I was a much happier person before now.  But along with happiness, was uncertainty.  I was uncertain of what I really wanted in life, uncertain with specific relationships, and uncertain of who I was or the woman I was becoming.  So today I may not be as happy or smile as much, but I can say that I've never been as confident as to who I am or what I want in life.  So I've been trying to forgive myself for trying to grasp for dear life onto the things or the people who once made me smile.  It's hard not to turn around and run back to the things that we know made us feel good.  It's like that saying, "you can't have your cake and eat it too?" (hope I said that right). I want that happiness I once knew, but I don't want the uncertainty that came with it. I want what I had, with the new perspective of my life and myself. 

Sorry, I'm just rambling today.  I guess I need to do what the quote says to do.. live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.  One day at a time... this is enough. 

Just take it one day at a time, Val... What's meant to be will always find it's way.

I Wish My Name Was Clementine...

I heard this song on One Tree Hill last week, during the finale.  I liked the beat/tune, or whatever you call it.. the sound of it, so I downloaded it.  I actually listened to it today for the first time.  I fell in love with it. 
I looked up the lyrics, and there's one site where people actually discuss what they think that the artist was referring to, and what the lyrics meant.  Which is helpful, cause it opens up your mind to the possibility of what the song means... which below is what I decipher from the song and others' opinions.



So we all know Clementine, from the "Oh my Darling, Clementine" song we all used to sing in elementary school.  I had to look up the lyrics to refresh my memory, but pretty much Clementine was loved by this guy, and he was heartbroken to find out that she had died.  He missed her so much, and dreamt of her of coming alive and kissing her, etc. 

Out of all the states, all the lines that are crossed or not crossed, all the guys, all the lies, all the crying, all the times she changed her mind... It's like she's tired of guys making promises and breaking them; tired of them coming and going.  She wishes her name was Clementine; who was loved so much by someone, who missed her terribly after she was gone, someone who dreamt of her coming back to him.  Clementine also means gentle, and merciful.  She also wishes that she was more delicate.  I think after being heartbroken so many times, she's probably a little more rough on the edges.  Which wanting to be more delicate, plays into the meaning of 'Clementine', gentle and merciful.

Someone else referred to 50 means "all".  Her changing her mind, she's referring to changing her ways, and in doing so feeling like someone else, a different person.  When she says "we were young", she's meaning that they were careless, and never stopped to think.  When she asks "is it gone", she's referring to God's touch, protection or spirit.. is it gone or just flowing in the air?  "Time wasted" without God, "more delicate" meaning more pure.  "I wish my name was Clementine".. meaning she wishes to be more merciful, mild and gentle... but it's hard because the innocence is gone.

I personally, can't decide which interpretation I like better; or which is closest to what the artist was feeling. I do think it's closer to the religious aspect, only because of the ending of the video.  I do love her voice though, and want to look up more of her music.

All things that revolve around WEDDINGS!

1.  Spent my nights at the gym this week, Monday through Wednesday watching my shows.  Hey, I don't have a lot of free time... so I gotta multi-task.

2.  Spent a few days this week finalizing the paperwork and timelines for the wedding!

3.  Had the rehearsal Thursday night, which went pretty good, given that I was completely nervous all day.  Then I was invited to the rehearsal dinner at Buccu Di Peppo's; which was nice so I got to chit-chat more with my bride and groom, the Pastor, and the MOH (which is mine and the bride's mutual friend).

4.  Hit the gym before the wedding to workout and sweat out the pre-wedding jitters.

5.  WEDDING DAY!! (Read the previous blog to hear all about it!) ;) 

6.  Woke up at 1pm Saturday and did nothing but laid around all day recuperating from the night before.  Then later that night me and Missy went to Yogurtland with Cindy and Mykenzie then went to Cindy's to watch "No Strings Attached".

7.  Worked a 'wine tasting event' in Anaheim Hills on Sunday.  Small amount of people, wasn't hard, just tedious.

Mr. & Mrs. Alejandro

Friday was a crazy busy beautiful exciting day! I was hired as the "day of coordinator" for a wedding a couple months ago. The bride had all of the vendors booked, she just needed the day coordinated, timelined and needed someone to make sure everything went according to planned.

I got there, retrieved the room keys for the bride to get ready in, the groom to get ready in, and then their suite for the night. The designing team was already there, finishing up the flowers for outside for the ceremony.. and they were starting the flowers and decor for the reception. I had to make sure the favors were placed at the each table setting, make sure the table numbers were at each table, place cameras and pictures at each table. I had to set up the table for the sand ceremony out where the reception was... and at the same time had to meet and greet the bridal party and make sure they were set up in their rooms, meet and greet the vendors (my own styling team, which included Julie for make-up and Krystal for hair), the photographer, and the DJ. Then of course the place card table, guest book table, gift table, and a small table to set the programs on had to get setup. Then I had to get the bridal party and parents flowers distributed, and also make sure that the rooms they were getting ready in were completely cleared out by 5:30 (which was the ceremony start time). Let's just say it was a crazy day, and I loved every minute of it.

Then it was time for the reception to start, and the first few rows were filled. It looked like we were missing a ton of people, so I have people who wanted to wait a few more minutes, at the same time the venue coordinator is saying we need to start because of the food. SIIIIGHH Oh the joys of coordinating, but again.. LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

So the ceremony started, photographer took his pictures, reception started. A game of Simon Says was played with the 5 and 6 year-olds (twin ring bearers, and flower girl) as I was trying to line them all up to get announced into the reception. And the reception flowed pretty smoothly...

All in all.. it was a GREAT evening. No problems, no delays, and we stayed on time the entire time.. even when we started later! Thanks to the Pastor for not taking as long as he thought during the ceremony. Here's some pictures taken with my phone! =) Enjoy!!

Pain is beauty!

Sorry I've missed blogging the last 2 days. Friday I was playing "wedding coordinator". Which by the way I dressed thought I was being SUPER smart... No heels (knowing I was going to be on my feet all day, but also running around). So I stuck with flats, REALLY cute flats... That were brand new. Not so smart! So given that yesterday, Saturday... Had been my day to recuperate, but also ended up being the day to do nothing cause it hurt to walk. The skin on the back of my feet is trying to heal and repair itself, making my skin super tight... So it hurt to walk. Not fun!












This is just 1 out of 4 of my sores. :(


- Posted from my iPhone

We are Gathered Here Today...

Wow, has this week flown by.  Probably because I've been super busy prepping and getting stuff ready for tomorrow!  Tonight I had my bride's rehearsal.  Missing a bridesmaid and the two 6-year old twin ring bearers... the rehearsal couldn't have gone better.  And THANK goodness for that!  I was a little more quiet and reserved at work today; a few people kept asking me what was wrong.  I think my nerves got all worked up... and that was only for the rehearsal!!! I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be too busy to get nervous.  So my plan is to get to bed (soon), hit the gym first thing in the morning and sweat out any ounce of nervousness, get ready and head over the hotel to be the little wedding coordinator that I am. ;)  So thankfully after a smooth rehearsal, I'd be REAALLLY thankful if all goes well tomorrow! Wish me luck!!

Handicapped

Okay, so last week there was an issue on Blogger... and for some reason last week's Wednesday post disappeared.  And so I clicked on the label to make sure I had labeled it, and it re-posted.  So the 2 Wednesday posts consists of this week and last week.  SORRY! ;)

So, today I'm going to whine about the handicapped.  Okay, not in general... I mean, they're obviously "handicapped/disabled" for a reason.  I'm totally not one of those people who bashes on the handicapped.  BUT, I will bash on you if you park in a regular parking space, right next to an empty handicapped one... especially when your license plate CLEARLY states that you're handicapped.  Really?? I try to not let my frustration or anger come out in public; well... it's not like I did anything like lay on the horn for flip em' the bird, but I did get really angry.  And sometimes I have the habit of letting that anger linger on awhile longer than it should.  I understand that there are some handicapped people who don't want to be considered handicapped, so they don't like the special treatment like front row parking (I WOULD ABUSE THAT!)  But, I kind of understand... sort of like those who can't hear don't want to get a hearing aid because they may feel incapable, or disabled.  But people.. it's to help you!! So do us all a favor, park in your parking spot (given that there are some available) so I have somewhere to park; especially if there is barely any GENERAL parking, and empty handicapped spots.  I really don't mean to sound rude, it's just common courtesy.  We don't park in your spots; so if given the chance to, refrain from parking in ours.

Thank you and have a nice day! ;)